naw.
i totally agree with him..
http://willzer.vox.com/
3.12.08
2.12.08
.<
we were listening to the White Stripes yesterday as we were closing shop.
alex, the girl whose occupation i know but labor i doubt, asks.
"o do they all sing like that?"
if she waited on more track, jack white would sing in Sinatra style.
"who?" i ask in repose.
"uhh, them"
"who is 'them'?"
"the band or whatever"
"oh. yeah, he always sings like that."
i dont know maybe it was a legit question
alex, the girl whose occupation i know but labor i doubt, asks.
"o do they all sing like that?"
if she waited on more track, jack white would sing in Sinatra style.
"who?" i ask in repose.
"uhh, them"
"who is 'them'?"
"the band or whatever"
"oh. yeah, he always sings like that."
i dont know maybe it was a legit question
1.12.08
in computer lit.
turns out this guy is bangladesh
i just tune him out like a tejano radio station
i find this online pictionary game and start playin it.
each person who joins the game gets to guess what another player is drawing
so its my turn
i figure i start drawing something and the web host guesses it first and then the other players guess
-wrong-
the game tells you what to draw
so im under a time limit right, so i start drawing sunglasses. ask me why.
naw.
dont ask me why
after 15 seconds my fellow online gamers type "sunglasses!'
i draw "yes" with the paint brush
..but the clock is still ticking...
then (after 30 of the 60 seconds)
i see that i was supposed to draw two thumbs up
o crap.
so i do as quickly as i can.
but not quick enough
WTF?!?TIME OUT!
it says
the comments left by my fellow school skippers went like this
"wot was w/ the glasses?"
"wtf??"
"how wer sunglases gunna hlp?"
lol
turns out this guy is bangladesh
i just tune him out like a tejano radio station
i find this online pictionary game and start playin it.
each person who joins the game gets to guess what another player is drawing
so its my turn
i figure i start drawing something and the web host guesses it first and then the other players guess
-wrong-
the game tells you what to draw
so im under a time limit right, so i start drawing sunglasses. ask me why.
naw.
dont ask me why
after 15 seconds my fellow online gamers type "sunglasses!'
i draw "yes" with the paint brush
..but the clock is still ticking...
then (after 30 of the 60 seconds)
i see that i was supposed to draw two thumbs up
o crap.
so i do as quickly as i can.
but not quick enough
WTF?!?TIME OUT!
it says
the comments left by my fellow school skippers went like this
"wot was w/ the glasses?"
"wtf??"
"how wer sunglases gunna hlp?"
lol
29.11.08
outa sight outa mind
(@#$%^&*)
when your driving home from a friends house and you start thinking about life
death cab sing your soul to rest as the wind whispers in your ear stories about where it has been
the expressway rolls under your feet like a yoga ball
-i wonder why people are out so late- you think to yourself
you start to wonder where you will be next year, where will God take you
-will i be the same person?-
-will i hear what im hearing now?-
you finally start to relax.
you close your eyes and your car lifts off the ground and you find yourself soaring through the air
higher and higher you go, your hair dancing behind you
you approach a mountain and their sits Jesus. sitting on a cliff. high on a dark mountain but somehow you just know its him.
your car disappears as an invisible parachute lightly carries you to sit next to him.
nothing is said, no words are needed.
you sit next to him and watch the city until you fall asleep on his shoulder.
when your driving home from a friends house and you start thinking about life
death cab sing your soul to rest as the wind whispers in your ear stories about where it has been
the expressway rolls under your feet like a yoga ball
-i wonder why people are out so late- you think to yourself
you start to wonder where you will be next year, where will God take you
-will i be the same person?-
-will i hear what im hearing now?-
you finally start to relax.
you close your eyes and your car lifts off the ground and you find yourself soaring through the air
higher and higher you go, your hair dancing behind you
you approach a mountain and their sits Jesus. sitting on a cliff. high on a dark mountain but somehow you just know its him.
your car disappears as an invisible parachute lightly carries you to sit next to him.
nothing is said, no words are needed.
you sit next to him and watch the city until you fall asleep on his shoulder.
28.11.08
evolution
Dr. Lehker sat on the desk in front row and planted his feet on the seat
"so what do we do about religion?" he said
half the class leaned forward and rested their head on their hands.
this doesnt sound like the useless fish and frog jargon.
"we cannot dismiss religion. let me demonstrate.
if i am in my new BMW at the end of an alley at midnight and i see a small group of young men dressed rather 'loose', i am not going to depend on science as my judgement. i have this knot in my stomach. this uncomfortable feeling.
science cannot explain this" he says
so what's the answer?
"'so what's the answer?' you might be asking yourself"
he continues
"the evidence for evolution is overwhelming. evolution tells us where we came from. it cannot answer why we are here, or what is our purpose. that is where religion comes in."
but what about....
"evolution however tells us we came from a common ancestor, religion tells us God created us. so which is true?"
i here some people behind begin to talk about what they are doing tomorrow.
really?..
"to our minds, to our logic, we think one is true and one is false. we think black and white. yes or no. never both, never fully both. but i believe both are fully true."
hmm....
every time i see a picture of some '500,000' year old skull i try to imagine what it really is. how old it actually is. maybe an extinct species. my mind cannot wrap around it.
i believe the bible fully. even if it seems to have contradictions, it has no contradictions. it is perfect, it tells us about God because he wrote it. maybe some dont like the way it's written, but who's going to change God?
but evolution is still there, floating around.
i dont know what to do with it.
and i have to study it every day for the final.\=(
"so what do we do about religion?" he said
half the class leaned forward and rested their head on their hands.
this doesnt sound like the useless fish and frog jargon.
"we cannot dismiss religion. let me demonstrate.
if i am in my new BMW at the end of an alley at midnight and i see a small group of young men dressed rather 'loose', i am not going to depend on science as my judgement. i have this knot in my stomach. this uncomfortable feeling.
science cannot explain this" he says
so what's the answer?
"'so what's the answer?' you might be asking yourself"
he continues
"the evidence for evolution is overwhelming. evolution tells us where we came from. it cannot answer why we are here, or what is our purpose. that is where religion comes in."
but what about....
"evolution however tells us we came from a common ancestor, religion tells us God created us. so which is true?"
i here some people behind begin to talk about what they are doing tomorrow.
really?..
"to our minds, to our logic, we think one is true and one is false. we think black and white. yes or no. never both, never fully both. but i believe both are fully true."
hmm....
every time i see a picture of some '500,000' year old skull i try to imagine what it really is. how old it actually is. maybe an extinct species. my mind cannot wrap around it.
i believe the bible fully. even if it seems to have contradictions, it has no contradictions. it is perfect, it tells us about God because he wrote it. maybe some dont like the way it's written, but who's going to change God?
but evolution is still there, floating around.
i dont know what to do with it.
and i have to study it every day for the final.\=(
23.11.08
video vomit
a party that wasnt really kikin'
even a kid came
(he sat next to me)
Untitled from gene starwind on Vimeo.
even a kid came
(he sat next to me)
Untitled from gene starwind on Vimeo.
21.11.08
last pics
squat 
that bridge was built in the 11th century. 
we actually were smuggled into the house we stayed in. i think at the time we thought we looked funny
somewhat cheesy portrait
i couldnt understand 'em
listening to the smiths
well i got my acceptance letter from UNT (north texas)
and yesterday i sent off my transcript to Texas State in San Marcos
so i'm giving myself options
2
count 'em
2 options
i felt the sting of jet lag this morning.
my mind woke me up at 2:17AM
...nooooo.. (i grunted)
my voice was rather deep.
parched.
.water
i have to crap...
i slide my body out of bed and onto the floor like i was body surfing my blanket.
on the floor now.
push up,
knees in,
head up,
stand up.
plenty to think about on the john.
...........
after.
i stumble downstairs, trying to convince my flesh that i'm actually tired and i'm itching to go back to bed.
but my flesh didnt by it.
"you're not tired you liar"
"o come on! give me a break you freckly flesh!"
"no sleeping!"
fine
so heat up some milk.
i think that is supposed to help.
i eat a piece of swiss on wheat
and grade a composition paper.
i dont think i fell asleep until 6:15
7am -BEEP! BEEP!
...ugh.
today's gonna suck.
Joel Osteen - "Don't think that! speak life into your day! Today is going to be a great day!"
hmm.
maybe if i heard someone else say it.
so while im lying in bed i do some thinking
if im going to UNT the best music school in the state, i should at least minor in music, it such a good opportunity.
i visioned myself on a cruise ship playing a grand piano every night as the overweight retiree's and sexy newly-weds had dinner in their fancy dresses and suits
a major in creative writing and a minor in music.
job?
barista probably.
should i do what i love, give my ten percent and let God do the math
or
should i get a buisiness degree and earn money and pay for a father-in-law's trust.
hmm
hmm
><><><><
and yesterday i sent off my transcript to Texas State in San Marcos
so i'm giving myself options
2
count 'em
2 options
i felt the sting of jet lag this morning.
my mind woke me up at 2:17AM
...nooooo.. (i grunted)
my voice was rather deep.
parched.
.water
i have to crap...
i slide my body out of bed and onto the floor like i was body surfing my blanket.
on the floor now.
push up,
knees in,
head up,
stand up.
plenty to think about on the john.
...........
after.
i stumble downstairs, trying to convince my flesh that i'm actually tired and i'm itching to go back to bed.
but my flesh didnt by it.
"you're not tired you liar"
"o come on! give me a break you freckly flesh!"
"no sleeping!"
fine
so heat up some milk.
i think that is supposed to help.
i eat a piece of swiss on wheat
and grade a composition paper.
i dont think i fell asleep until 6:15
7am -BEEP! BEEP!
...ugh.
today's gonna suck.
Joel Osteen - "Don't think that! speak life into your day! Today is going to be a great day!"
hmm.
maybe if i heard someone else say it.
i feel like i've givin 90% of my life to Jesus
Mike said once "Living for Jesus with 99% obedience is the hardest thing to do. but once you give that 1% grace and peace kick in." i hate living in that tension. but i love my self so well.
take me Lord!
so while im lying in bed i do some thinking
if im going to UNT the best music school in the state, i should at least minor in music, it such a good opportunity.
i visioned myself on a cruise ship playing a grand piano every night as the overweight retiree's and sexy newly-weds had dinner in their fancy dresses and suits
a major in creative writing and a minor in music.
job?
barista probably.
should i do what i love, give my ten percent and let God do the math
or
should i get a buisiness degree and earn money and pay for a father-in-law's trust.
hmm
hmm
><><><><
17.11.08
16.11.08
incomplete story
Blogs falling from the 5th story
Outside I hear children laughing and chatting and chasing each other in a small parking lot within a neighborhood. The apartments and structures around them are poorly build concrete towers now building walls inside their brains. Only their imagination can take them to a field large enough for a city wide game of tag. They belong in a valley. They should be skipping along mountain tops.
I’m staying with a family in a different city from whence we last spoke. This family owns this house which is really more like an apartment. Five floors. But each floor is petite, maybe three rooms.
I’m sleeping on the top floor (on the roof you could say) overlooking the city. It’s 10pm and it’s beautiful. The neon Chinese characters. The honking cars. The ringing bells from bicycles.
City chatter after hours you might say
A city that doesn’t sleep you might call it
earlier we were sitting in the living room drinking tea when one of the sons came in and spoke something in Chinese to his parents. His face was stern, his stature unshaken. His parents, I’m going to say, harshly whispered a string of unknown words towards and my translator companions.
“We need to get upstairs”
before a second thought, I saw everyone was grabbing their bags, scurrying into the dark like mice.
“come bee-lee!”
We were moving rather quickly up the dim lit staircase. There was just enough like to see your feet finding their next step.
When we got to the top, Tom told me,
“some of their relatives had just arrived and they are not believers. We didn’t want to risk anything.”
It is not uncommon for family members to turn in their own kin because of house church felonies.
that happened right before I started typing this post. (which, along with the others, I hope to post tomorrow)
Outside I hear children laughing and chatting and chasing each other in a small parking lot within a neighborhood. The apartments and structures around them are poorly build concrete towers now building walls inside their brains. Only their imagination can take them to a field large enough for a city wide game of tag. They belong in a valley. They should be skipping along mountain tops.
I’m staying with a family in a different city from whence we last spoke. This family owns this house which is really more like an apartment. Five floors. But each floor is petite, maybe three rooms.
I’m sleeping on the top floor (on the roof you could say) overlooking the city. It’s 10pm and it’s beautiful. The neon Chinese characters. The honking cars. The ringing bells from bicycles.
City chatter after hours you might say
A city that doesn’t sleep you might call it
earlier we were sitting in the living room drinking tea when one of the sons came in and spoke something in Chinese to his parents. His face was stern, his stature unshaken. His parents, I’m going to say, harshly whispered a string of unknown words towards and my translator companions.
“We need to get upstairs”
before a second thought, I saw everyone was grabbing their bags, scurrying into the dark like mice.
“come bee-lee!”
We were moving rather quickly up the dim lit staircase. There was just enough like to see your feet finding their next step.
When we got to the top, Tom told me,
“some of their relatives had just arrived and they are not believers. We didn’t want to risk anything.”
It is not uncommon for family members to turn in their own kin because of house church felonies.
that happened right before I started typing this post. (which, along with the others, I hope to post tomorrow)
Stuck in square one
Stuck in square one
To end the sermon and release the patient pastors, dad says, “Go ahead and say hello to some people and we will take a break” just like that.
The translator translates..
The funny thing was, the Chinese people stood up and turned to their neighbor and said “Hello!” in a sad but sympathized manner. It was almost a joke, not how they spoke, but that they followed him exactly. A lot of things are taken literally here.
A few minutes later and butler walks in and flicks the light on and off. For a nano-secound my hands perspired and my eyes widened. A man in a uniform walks into an illegal meeting with ex-prisoners and “cult” leaders and his uniform color just happens to be green. How would you react?
Yesterday we arrive at our final destination: a resort in southern China right on the beach. Papa and I took a walk along the beach. The sand was coarse because of the crushed shell. We walked away from the buildings and towards blissful nothingness.
We found fishing boats laying on the shore. Rafts made from long, bent pieces of wood held together with rope and fisherman’s hope (you might say). I don’t know how such things stay together. They looked so primitive. So B.C. or at least B.20th century. “Premature” if you will. They had oars leaning against each raft, and a little flag too.
And the unanswerable question came.
“why am I here?”
I suddenly see God seeing me seeing myself. I am just a couple of pieces of honest wood tied together with hope. Not even my hope. His hope. As he sees me seeing myself, I am sure He sees my reaction of
“uhh,” “eww” and “grow up”
I seem so premature.
will I ever grow up?
will I ever become the guy I’ve heard God talk about with his angels?
“There’s my son, isn’t he beautiful?”
I’m staring at my pile of wood.
God is staring at his romance cruise.
Why am I here?
He has hope for me.
that is enough for now
Saturday and Sunday night I am going to some youth meetings to share about God knows what. (I say that because he actually does.)
pray for me.
=)
To end the sermon and release the patient pastors, dad says, “Go ahead and say hello to some people and we will take a break” just like that.
The translator translates..
The funny thing was, the Chinese people stood up and turned to their neighbor and said “Hello!” in a sad but sympathized manner. It was almost a joke, not how they spoke, but that they followed him exactly. A lot of things are taken literally here.
A few minutes later and butler walks in and flicks the light on and off. For a nano-secound my hands perspired and my eyes widened. A man in a uniform walks into an illegal meeting with ex-prisoners and “cult” leaders and his uniform color just happens to be green. How would you react?
Yesterday we arrive at our final destination: a resort in southern China right on the beach. Papa and I took a walk along the beach. The sand was coarse because of the crushed shell. We walked away from the buildings and towards blissful nothingness.
We found fishing boats laying on the shore. Rafts made from long, bent pieces of wood held together with rope and fisherman’s hope (you might say). I don’t know how such things stay together. They looked so primitive. So B.C. or at least B.20th century. “Premature” if you will. They had oars leaning against each raft, and a little flag too.
And the unanswerable question came.
“why am I here?”
I suddenly see God seeing me seeing myself. I am just a couple of pieces of honest wood tied together with hope. Not even my hope. His hope. As he sees me seeing myself, I am sure He sees my reaction of
“uhh,” “eww” and “grow up”
I seem so premature.
will I ever grow up?
will I ever become the guy I’ve heard God talk about with his angels?
“There’s my son, isn’t he beautiful?”
I’m staring at my pile of wood.
God is staring at his romance cruise.
Why am I here?
He has hope for me.
that is enough for now
Saturday and Sunday night I am going to some youth meetings to share about God knows what. (I say that because he actually does.)
pray for me.
=)
9.11.08
put this in the "informative" column
tomorrow i fly to china.
prepare yourself for video blogs.
i getting up at 4 30
and its midnight now.
prepare yourself for video blogs.
i getting up at 4 30
and its midnight now.
what a waster
San antonio was nice,
Saturday night we went downtown.
we saw SA night life.
t'was ok.
im not sure if i love being alone or i hate it.
i suppose it's more enjoyable when it is planned.
the other day i saw a friend of mine at Best Buy,
it went like this.
"Hi!"
"o hey! whats up? haven't seen you in a while"
she is wearing her blue polo with a yellow tag, so she didnt have much time.
"we are going to alix's tonight, you should come!"
i knew i had plans that night, the probability of me going was pretty shy.
but those eyes.
big, hopeful, childlike eyes. sparkling like stars. i was caught in a daze.
"of coarse i will!"
damn.
what do i do now ? ignore her calls?
be a jerk.
but how could i say no to those innocent brown eyes.
like two coffee rings on the breakfast table, left from that wonderful morning together.
her eyes are moist. not from tears only from sincerity.
innocence.
innocence is beautiful to look at but hard to follow.
so it seems
Saturday night we went downtown.
we saw SA night life.
t'was ok.
im not sure if i love being alone or i hate it.
i suppose it's more enjoyable when it is planned.
the other day i saw a friend of mine at Best Buy,
it went like this.
"Hi!"
"o hey! whats up? haven't seen you in a while"
she is wearing her blue polo with a yellow tag, so she didnt have much time.
"we are going to alix's tonight, you should come!"
i knew i had plans that night, the probability of me going was pretty shy.
but those eyes.
big, hopeful, childlike eyes. sparkling like stars. i was caught in a daze.
"of coarse i will!"
damn.
what do i do now ? ignore her calls?
be a jerk.
but how could i say no to those innocent brown eyes.
like two coffee rings on the breakfast table, left from that wonderful morning together.
her eyes are moist. not from tears only from sincerity.
innocence.
innocence is beautiful to look at but hard to follow.
so it seems
3.11.08
sometimes i feel i've got to
(du du)...get away
snip snip snip.
"have you seen Marley?"
snip snip
"naw dude, who's Marley?"
"Carlos gave me a great dane."
"Marley?"
"yeah its what your thinking"
snip snip. brush brush.
"what am i thinking?"
"Bob Marley"
"oh right"
Marley is actually quite a character.
BTW- Marley is a she
although she's only 3 months, she stands the highth of my knee.
ruff. ruff.
her dalmation colored fur draws my attention.
i leisurely let gravity take my hand. it descends down aiming at her cranium but her tongue catches its fall.
..
.ew.
"dude the crazy thing is her eyes"
he said it just like that
"one is grey and one is blue"
a sky blue rather.
..interesting.
he asks=
"want some wings?"
chomp chomp chomp
they're not really that hot
"my sister's friend brought them over last night"
i ask rhetorically,
"you know what weird?"
"not really no"
hmm... sarcasm..
"like my mom will call me and say something like,
and ill be like
and then immediately my dad will text and ask
i know he just heard her talk to me on the phone and yet he feels the need to tell me a second time.
isnt that weird?"
"yeah dude my parents do that all the time. like my mom will call and be like
and ill be like
and then my dad will call and ask
and immediately ill say
and he goes
and i say
yeah i dont know why they do that."
snip snip snip.
"have you seen Marley?"
snip snip
"naw dude, who's Marley?"
"Carlos gave me a great dane."
"Marley?"
"yeah its what your thinking"
snip snip. brush brush.
"what am i thinking?"
"Bob Marley"
"oh right"
Marley is actually quite a character.
BTW- Marley is a she
although she's only 3 months, she stands the highth of my knee.
ruff. ruff.
her dalmation colored fur draws my attention.
i leisurely let gravity take my hand. it descends down aiming at her cranium but her tongue catches its fall.
..
.ew.
"dude the crazy thing is her eyes"
he said it just like that
"one is grey and one is blue"
a sky blue rather.
..interesting.
he asks=
"want some wings?"
chomp chomp chomp
they're not really that hot
"my sister's friend brought them over last night"
i ask rhetorically,
"you know what weird?"
"not really no"
hmm... sarcasm..
"like my mom will call me and say something like,
i need you to do such and such for me, where are you?
and ill be like
im kinda busy, but ill be there ASAP
and then immediately my dad will text and ask
hey where are you? your mom needs help
i know he just heard her talk to me on the phone and yet he feels the need to tell me a second time.
isnt that weird?"
"yeah dude my parents do that all the time. like my mom will call and be like
where are you?
and ill be like
with friends
and then my dad will call and ask
hey, what are you doing?
and immediately ill say
hey where are you right now?
and he goes
at the house
and i say
isnt mom with you?
ya
didnt you just hear her talk to me?
yeah i dont know why they do that."
1.11.08
>_>
jesus really only gave us two commandments.
-Love God
-Love people
and they have to be in that order.
so here's how i see it.
when people try to obey the first but ignore the second. people become religious.
i think people who genuinely want to obey the first will eventually find to second.
but some dont really want the first.
others will try to do the second before doing the first,
Jesus will eventually test their hearts and they will become real.
but trying to fulfill the second without God is
----\
Humanism
----/
and i think Obama is the picture of humanism in america.
not saying McCain follows either commandment.
i guess one is better than neither
but it won't work. they both have to be fulfilled
thus no government will ever work until jesus returns.
only he can and will fulfill both commandments.
-------------------
well thats my soapbox
-------------------
=
(other topic)
i hate it when your with some friends and you see some girl and you think
"you are the most beautiful girl in the room
the whole wide room"
and then you realized she has no wits and has the maturity level of your niece.
dang..
well.. not like i was going to ask her out..
i guess you just create this idea that she is as witty as she is attractive.
you find out stuff like,
- she doesnt know who sang "Hey Jude"
- she thought the Casablanca was too slow
- she listens to the radio
she on a different level.
==
David Cook is performing on SNL
i cant stand him.
i would expect him to be on the radio.
--=--=--=
-Love God
-Love people
and they have to be in that order.
so here's how i see it.
when people try to obey the first but ignore the second. people become religious.
i think people who genuinely want to obey the first will eventually find to second.
but some dont really want the first.
others will try to do the second before doing the first,
Jesus will eventually test their hearts and they will become real.
but trying to fulfill the second without God is
----\
Humanism
----/
and i think Obama is the picture of humanism in america.
not saying McCain follows either commandment.
i guess one is better than neither
but it won't work. they both have to be fulfilled
thus no government will ever work until jesus returns.
only he can and will fulfill both commandments.
-------------------
well thats my soapbox
-------------------
=
(other topic)
i hate it when your with some friends and you see some girl and you think
"you are the most beautiful girl in the room
the whole wide room"
and then you realized she has no wits and has the maturity level of your niece.
dang..
well.. not like i was going to ask her out..
i guess you just create this idea that she is as witty as she is attractive.
you find out stuff like,
- she doesnt know who sang "Hey Jude"
- she thought the Casablanca was too slow
- she listens to the radio
she on a different level.
==
David Cook is performing on SNL
i cant stand him.
i would expect him to be on the radio.
--=--=--=
27.10.08
...bring....ring
my phone rang at 3 am this morning.
"...............ello?"
"hey is this bill?"
"........uh..hu.."
"hey this is danny"
i dont know a Danny.
wait.
do i?
"hey which bill are you?"
hmm you stole my question.
"ordeman"
"you know who i am?"
hell no
"um.....remind me"
"Avid"
wait its that skinny guy with the mustache. im pretty sure he smokes pot
"okay"
"hey i was wondering, can i get ten bucks from you?"
you can only imagine what i was thinking.
..
nothing actually, it was too early.
"um, ok. i'm going to school in 30 minuets, can i give it to you then?"
i would tell you why i said this, but
quite frankly because i have no idea why
"um..can i meet you somewhere instead?"
i think i have seen this guy 3 or 4 times.
tops.
"uh....no"
"well how about i stop by your house"
everything in me said N-O spells NO!
"ok"
"where do you live?"
"this cannot wait?"
"no"
for some reason i gave someone who i think is a druggie directions to my house to pick up ten dollars to very possibly spend on something illegal.
(i dont know how far ten dollars would go though)
(by the way - my parents dont need to know this)
i didnt think about why he might need ten dollars until he had already arrived at my flat.
i was too weirded out by the episode to think about motives.
"do you want me to bring you a pizza or something?"
"no...no thank you."
"ok im coming. on a bike"
ten minuets later im standing outside in my underwear giving ten one dollar bills to Daniel.
it was the weirdest experiance ever.
i feel really bad about it too.
i hope i wasnt supporting a bad habbit.
"...............ello?"
"hey is this bill?"
"........uh..hu.."
"hey this is danny"
i dont know a Danny.
wait.
do i?
"hey which bill are you?"
hmm you stole my question.
"ordeman"
"you know who i am?"
hell no
"um.....remind me"
"Avid"
wait its that skinny guy with the mustache. im pretty sure he smokes pot
"okay"
"hey i was wondering, can i get ten bucks from you?"
you can only imagine what i was thinking.
..
nothing actually, it was too early.
"um, ok. i'm going to school in 30 minuets, can i give it to you then?"
i would tell you why i said this, but
quite frankly because i have no idea why
"um..can i meet you somewhere instead?"
i think i have seen this guy 3 or 4 times.
tops.
"uh....no"
"well how about i stop by your house"
everything in me said N-O spells NO!
"ok"
"where do you live?"
"this cannot wait?"
"no"
for some reason i gave someone who i think is a druggie directions to my house to pick up ten dollars to very possibly spend on something illegal.
(i dont know how far ten dollars would go though)
(by the way - my parents dont need to know this)
i didnt think about why he might need ten dollars until he had already arrived at my flat.
i was too weirded out by the episode to think about motives.
"do you want me to bring you a pizza or something?"
"no...no thank you."
"ok im coming. on a bike"
ten minuets later im standing outside in my underwear giving ten one dollar bills to Daniel.
it was the weirdest experiance ever.
i feel really bad about it too.
i hope i wasnt supporting a bad habbit.
26.10.08
the joker and the hanger
i went to a white zebra show last night out in the middle of nowhere.
Rio Hondo.
maybe 8pm, already getting dark
we got off the expressway and drove down this farm road for like 30 minuets, i was waiting the car to run outa gas and slowly roll to a stop; then the lights would dim ever-so gently and we would have to walk to the nearest house to use a phone, at the same time be followed by a tall lanky man with a black mask and black eyes.
....
..
whatever.
so the show was at an airplane hanger (apparently Rio Hondo was once a hot spot for honeymooners and small families wanting a getaway to sunny south texas)
"where the hell are we" i said as the car parked and doors opened.
"for real" said ashley.
we walk towards a circle of 8-10 guys dressed in geto/american eagle attire.
"are you in the band?"
apperantly there is only one band playing
"i'm not but he is" i point to adrian.
"a'ight dude, its five bucks for you then"
five..
too much
"whatever"
i pay him.
what was i gonna do
after all they outnumbered us four to 1
well...
adrian probably wouldnt have stuck 'round
"it's a nice place for a show" i say
"yeah"
the ceiling ascends pretty high the room is huge (big enough to park a jet i suppose) and there is a "garage door" type-o-thing on the opposite wall.
hmmm... why didnt we come in that way.
on the ceiling in a couple of disco balls.
"nice"
i follow my friend andrea 'round back where we meet up with peeps sitting 'round a 'round table drinking booze and sharing stories.
i tilt my head and reach to the back of my neck to relieve some tension and am startled by the stars
so many
i think i saw Orions belt in 40 different places
perks of being a farmer i suppose
one of the kids at the show painted his face like the joker.
way to go kid.
your originality blows my mind.
please be my friend
white zebra had a rough start, herby messed up estebans main guitar and so he was using the tele. i could tell they couldnt hear each other, or they didnt care. the timing kept falling apart.
and at the last song a couple of fellows pulled out mats and two guys started a fight.
like we were in tai-kwon-do class.
one kid even wore some kind of balie outfit.
in short, i didnt understand it.
during that songs several zebra junkies went shirtless and started dancing on the stage.
after a while there must have 12 peolpe on the stage dancing, jumping, letting it out if you will.
turned out to be a good show
24.10.08
following zmorris = me right now
3 or less
21 times
21 times
reinventing my exit. locking closed doors. bottles of water. bare feet. yoga. filming. making new friends. my (blog) space. netflix. windows down. Jesus. napping. "Chemistry Wing". avoiding newspapers. cutting corners. avoiding atheist. mystery science theater. Fire Within. dumplings please. dream of escaping.
22.10.08
i hate talking about work
as i was leaving work,"my name is jonas" was playing in the background (i brought the blue album into work) and gil walks in and starts singing along.
SINGING THE WRONG LYRICS!
so i left and kept my sanity.
close call though
close call
SINGING THE WRONG LYRICS!
that's not even how it goes, gil
-it's not?
forget it, i'm leaving before you ruin it
so i left and kept my sanity.
close call though
close call
21.10.08
19.10.08
its funny how you can forget there's a world outside yourself
outside yourself
where the trees keep growin' and the cars keep goin'
without you there
where the one who loves you keeps on living
-azure rey
last noche i was lying on my bed watching some MST3K episode and eating some danmarino
i closed my eyes.
i couldnt fall asleep.
i couldnt pass the second stage of sleep.
my eyes were closed, my body was tired, but my mind was racing.
it was so weird.
i was incredibly surprised at the speed.
i think in a nano-second i saw all the new people i had met that day (in mcallen) individually re-introduce themselves.
"Hi, im audry"
and i quickly judged them and labled them like you would in a video game (if you created each character).
"Hi, i'm Audry"
-cute, nice outfit, soft voice, big dork
"Hey man i'm Mark"
-brother of cute dork, also lacks social skills
"Hi, names Aaron"
-nice tats, they mean us, wait...what was his name?
it was like my mind was a rubix and some bored spirit was testing his skills
stop it!
i groaned and tossed and turned for i dont know how long.
i knew my body was at rest because when i moved it was heavy. like bricks.
bag of bricks in skin.
"God please make it stop!"
i was afriad to look at the clock, somehow i knew it was 4am.
the weekend is supposed to be for sleep and social life.
now that i think about it, maybe it was the candy..
maybe they added cocaine.
...or sugar
i dont remember when i actually fell asleep. but i suppose no one ever knows that.
i had a dream that i was with Mrs Hanson and some random people at an airport, a really really big one.
she left me in charge of getting these two guys on their next flight
"the need to be at the gate by 11:30"she said
neither of them had ever flown before
one guy went looking for his love to tell her how he felt before he flew, naturally i followed him, we were supposed to stick together.
it was almost 12 and he still hadnot found her.
"oh my god, its ten till! we gotta go!"i said
when we arrived at the gate i discovered the plane didnt leave until 1:30
=i wonder why she told us to be here so early?= i thought
that was my dream
interestingly enough i woke up early, with energy and alertness, as if my night had passed undesterbed.
13.10.08
guilty pleasure
i tried yoga today.
and i really liked it.
i did it solo so as not to embarrass myself. thanks to the internet i can learn without a classroom.
i feel good.
thats what i was going for,
a good feeling
and i really liked it.
i did it solo so as not to embarrass myself. thanks to the internet i can learn without a classroom.
i feel good.
thats what i was going for,
a good feeling
8.10.08
photography
i had this flashback in Grammer today.
in my minds eye i saw myself in a jeep (or subaru) looking out the window at some antelope skipping through some brush.
"what the heck?" i said allowed,
the girl sitting next to me slowly turned her head to see if i was talking to anyone.
=back in the cerebrum=
yeah, there were lots of african mammals. zebras...lions? maybe not.
when was i in africa? i thought to myself.
the closest place i could think of was that safari tour in san antonio.
yeah, thats where i was.
but when did i go there?
i thought hard.
i thought harder.
my brain was probably sweating.
i think i see Gabe.
he is wearing that red cap with that blue button up shirt.
not the nice one, the other.
and around his neck is....
a camera...
no.
....
binoculars thats it!
i closed my minds eye to see with my real ones.
(isnt that weird? like my hazel surveillance tapes stop rolling when im in thought.
ever wonder what you miss because you were caught up in your temporal lobe
"wow! did you see that? that guy just got hit by a car!"
"no i was thinking about water"
or
some chik - "oh my gosh, i cant believe i did that"
"did what?"
some chik-"you didnt see ??"
"no i was....out t.."
some chik-"o thank God, forget it"
or
guy in a suit- "would any red head in the room that wants a lifetime supply of nice things?"
.......
"bill!"
"hu, what?"
guy in a suit- "ok, any brunettes?")
maybe that day that i was in the san antonio safari, i was daydreaming, and all these untagged images i am seeing in my Grammer class are a result of memory never revisited.
i text pete and he tells me that we did spend a day in a africa together.
weird.
now i remember
i took a picture of a zebra to give to esteban.
but i never did.
in my minds eye i saw myself in a jeep (or subaru) looking out the window at some antelope skipping through some brush.
"what the heck?" i said allowed,
the girl sitting next to me slowly turned her head to see if i was talking to anyone.
=back in the cerebrum=
yeah, there were lots of african mammals. zebras...lions? maybe not.
when was i in africa? i thought to myself.
the closest place i could think of was that safari tour in san antonio.
yeah, thats where i was.
but when did i go there?
i thought hard.
i thought harder.
my brain was probably sweating.
i think i see Gabe.
he is wearing that red cap with that blue button up shirt.
not the nice one, the other.
and around his neck is....
a camera...
no.
....
binoculars thats it!
i closed my minds eye to see with my real ones.
(isnt that weird? like my hazel surveillance tapes stop rolling when im in thought.
ever wonder what you miss because you were caught up in your temporal lobe
"wow! did you see that? that guy just got hit by a car!"
"no i was thinking about water"
or
some chik - "oh my gosh, i cant believe i did that"
"did what?"
some chik-"you didnt see ??"
"no i was....out t.."
some chik-"o thank God, forget it"
or
guy in a suit- "would any red head in the room that wants a lifetime supply of nice things?"
.......
"bill!"
"hu, what?"
guy in a suit- "ok, any brunettes?")
maybe that day that i was in the san antonio safari, i was daydreaming, and all these untagged images i am seeing in my Grammer class are a result of memory never revisited.
i text pete and he tells me that we did spend a day in a africa together.
weird.
now i remember
i took a picture of a zebra to give to esteban.
but i never did.
2.10.08
when the truth comes out
remember that pregnant co-worker i have?
well here's what happened.
=so what's your major?
-oh, i'm studying Bilingual Education, going to be a teacher
=i see
-yeah, i need to work on my spanish though, it's kinda sloppy
=it's better than mine i can tell you that
-you see growing up, spanish was my first language, but after i started school i spoke mostly english even in my house, so i'm a little behind.
{{{{{my first mistake}}}}}
=what will you raise your son to speak?
-i dunno yet.
{{{{{trying to escape it i say}}}}}}}}
=my sister speaks english to her kids while my brother-in-law only speaks spanish
{{{{{like one hears a train engine from a mile away, i knew the topic was coming, i knew i was going to be put on the spot again. it was inescapable. what was i to do? continue my fictitious story about a girl named Julia and a wife with tattoos? no. its time to end this. kill the giant before he eats the crops}}}}}
-what are you going to teach your daughter? - she asks
{{{{{here it comes, the big surprise.}}}}}}
=uhmm.. well...you see...
{{{{{out with it you douche!}}}}}
=i uhh.. actually im not having a daughter. and ....... i'm not married
{{{{{i stare at the ground, ashamed to lift my heavy head. who was i kidding? apparently no one}}}}
-yeah i kinda figured.
{{{{{...hu.....what?..she doesnt mean that. of course she believed me! i played it perfectly!}}}}}
=r..r..really?
-well i was going to call you on it after you said it but i didnt want to upset you.
{{{{the nerve}}}
-it just didnt make sense, you can tell when someone is married
yeah thats true.
well here's what happened.
=so what's your major?
-oh, i'm studying Bilingual Education, going to be a teacher
=i see
-yeah, i need to work on my spanish though, it's kinda sloppy
=it's better than mine i can tell you that
-you see growing up, spanish was my first language, but after i started school i spoke mostly english even in my house, so i'm a little behind.
{{{{{my first mistake}}}}}
=what will you raise your son to speak?
-i dunno yet.
{{{{{trying to escape it i say}}}}}}}}
=my sister speaks english to her kids while my brother-in-law only speaks spanish
{{{{{like one hears a train engine from a mile away, i knew the topic was coming, i knew i was going to be put on the spot again. it was inescapable. what was i to do? continue my fictitious story about a girl named Julia and a wife with tattoos? no. its time to end this. kill the giant before he eats the crops}}}}}
-what are you going to teach your daughter? - she asks
{{{{{here it comes, the big surprise.}}}}}}
=uhmm.. well...you see...
{{{{{out with it you douche!}}}}}
=i uhh.. actually im not having a daughter. and ....... i'm not married
{{{{{i stare at the ground, ashamed to lift my heavy head. who was i kidding? apparently no one}}}}
-yeah i kinda figured.
{{{{{...hu.....what?..she doesnt mean that. of course she believed me! i played it perfectly!}}}}}
=r..r..really?
-well i was going to call you on it after you said it but i didnt want to upset you.
{{{{the nerve}}}
-it just didnt make sense, you can tell when someone is married
yeah thats true.
29.9.08
gilbert grapes
gilbert is the guy who thought The Mars Volta were called "Exoskeletal"
he is the guy who says my name every passing moment.
0101 -- how ya doin' there bill?
i think he talks to me like that because im white
0001 -- fine
0101 -- heeeeeyyy bill how's it hangin?
0001 -- ..........
i'm wearing the leopard skin bracelet that sylvia gave me, very punkish
and gil goes
0101 -- is that gorilla material you're wearin' there bill? made outa gorilla skin or what?
ha.
pretty funny.
he was pretty serious.
in other news
i ordered this shower curtain that is a picture taken of the empire state building near the forties, possibly fifties. its black and white. now i plan to paint the bathroom a dark grey with a fabric like texture. gimme some ideas
he is the guy who says my name every passing moment.
0101 -- how ya doin' there bill?
i think he talks to me like that because im white
0001 -- fine
0101 -- heeeeeyyy bill how's it hangin?
0001 -- ..........
i'm wearing the leopard skin bracelet that sylvia gave me, very punkish
and gil goes
0101 -- is that gorilla material you're wearin' there bill? made outa gorilla skin or what?
ha.
pretty funny.
he was pretty serious.
in other news
i ordered this shower curtain that is a picture taken of the empire state building near the forties, possibly fifties. its black and white. now i plan to paint the bathroom a dark grey with a fabric like texture. gimme some ideas
27.9.08
24.9.08
Julia
i think it was I who started this rumor at work,
i dont really remember why, how or when
maybe it was a joke i dont remember
but it's becoming harder to play
the role of a married father-to-be
the Word out is that i am married and having my first child next month.
it was kinda fun to play mind poker with a couple of employees but yesterday i was kinda put in a corner.
and somehow made it out.
cheryl is on register and is pregnant.
....haha
cheryl is pregnant on register
........well that didnt go very far..
alex said "cheryl, tell me a story"
someone in the back said
"how'd you get knocked up"
"haha"
cheryl then goes
"tell william about the birds and the bees?"
haha....
maybe i do dress like a child.
i dont act like one.
well....
anyway its not important
(yea it is)
(william this isnt part of the story)
(OK, fine)
then alex says
"actually william's wife is pregnant!"
uh oh.
"really?!"
i brought Hemingway to a Shakespear conference
i wore my Hanna Montana shirt to a Wolfmother concert
"uh yeah"
then cheryl started the interview
i felt like how Bush might have felt trying to explain Iraq
"is it a boy or girl?"
my wife? "a giiiirrrl??"
"the baby silly"
"o yes, a girl"
"when is she due?"
"2 months, october 28"
"so, next month?"
"wow, yes! i guess so"
so "we" are going to name "her" Julia, and "we" have her crib set up, and it is going to be a natural child birth but i think my "wife" will cave and beg for the epideral after serveral hours.
im lucky i knew some baby stuff.
so now, just about everyone thinks i will be a father in a month.
what's interesting is, as i was playing this role i kind of wished it was true.
i mean, i wanna do other stuff first, but
it felt good saying that i was starting my family,
that i was going to have a child.
i dont really remember why, how or when
maybe it was a joke i dont remember
but it's becoming harder to play
the role of a married father-to-be
the Word out is that i am married and having my first child next month.
it was kinda fun to play mind poker with a couple of employees but yesterday i was kinda put in a corner.
and somehow made it out.
cheryl is on register and is pregnant.
....haha
cheryl is pregnant on register
........well that didnt go very far..
alex said "cheryl, tell me a story"
someone in the back said
"how'd you get knocked up"
"haha"
cheryl then goes
"tell william about the birds and the bees?"
haha....
maybe i do dress like a child.
i dont act like one.
well....
anyway its not important
(yea it is)
(william this isnt part of the story)
(OK, fine)
then alex says
"actually william's wife is pregnant!"
uh oh.
"really?!"
i brought Hemingway to a Shakespear conference
i wore my Hanna Montana shirt to a Wolfmother concert
"uh yeah"
then cheryl started the interview
i felt like how Bush might have felt trying to explain Iraq
"is it a boy or girl?"
my wife? "a giiiirrrl??"
"the baby silly"
"o yes, a girl"
"when is she due?"
"2 months, october 28"
"so, next month?"
"wow, yes! i guess so"
so "we" are going to name "her" Julia, and "we" have her crib set up, and it is going to be a natural child birth but i think my "wife" will cave and beg for the epideral after serveral hours.
im lucky i knew some baby stuff.
so now, just about everyone thinks i will be a father in a month.
what's interesting is, as i was playing this role i kind of wished it was true.
i mean, i wanna do other stuff first, but
it felt good saying that i was starting my family,
that i was going to have a child.
22.9.08
strawberries
today i saw this girl i knew high school
werent friends or nutin
i dont even remember her name,
but valley christian is so small, you see the whole school every 50 minuets.
anyways, i was walking down the hall and she was near the end of it,
i searched out every possible way to avoid walking right by her, but the only way of escape would be to bust a 180 and that would be too obvious, too rude.
*sigh*
she tilts her head diagonally and squints her eyes as i draw closer to my awkward confrontation with a familiar stranger.
"hi" i say and stretch out my shallow hand
her face still contorted with confusion she reaches for my hand and says
"do i know you?"
BURN
i mean seriously i must have seen this girl everyday for maybe 2 years, VCHS only had like one hallway
i have my "phantom planet" pretty loud but i still heard her friends giggle
i pull my hand back
"seriously? then never mind"
i roll my eyes, pivot my foot and keep walkin
she says something in the brownsville whiny dialect,
i turn around (maybe shouldnt have) and say
"high school?" and then throw an invisible wad of toilet paper at her.
"wait" she says
but i dont
well.
i showed her!
lol.
it was funny, and i walked away a bad ass.
so i win.
i wonder what will happen if i see her again?
hmm...
please - advice for possible scenarios
anyone?
oh yeah and she is a total fresa
werent friends or nutin
i dont even remember her name,
but valley christian is so small, you see the whole school every 50 minuets.
anyways, i was walking down the hall and she was near the end of it,
i searched out every possible way to avoid walking right by her, but the only way of escape would be to bust a 180 and that would be too obvious, too rude.
*sigh*
she tilts her head diagonally and squints her eyes as i draw closer to my awkward confrontation with a familiar stranger.
"hi" i say and stretch out my shallow hand
her face still contorted with confusion she reaches for my hand and says
"do i know you?"
BURN
i mean seriously i must have seen this girl everyday for maybe 2 years, VCHS only had like one hallway
i have my "phantom planet" pretty loud but i still heard her friends giggle
i pull my hand back
"seriously? then never mind"
i roll my eyes, pivot my foot and keep walkin
she says something in the brownsville whiny dialect,
i turn around (maybe shouldnt have) and say
"high school?" and then throw an invisible wad of toilet paper at her.
"wait" she says
but i dont
well.
i showed her!
lol.
it was funny, and i walked away a bad ass.
so i win.
i wonder what will happen if i see her again?
hmm...
please - advice for possible scenarios
anyone?
oh yeah and she is a total fresa
19.9.08
under where?
the zhite webra video project is underway.
i went to a practice on thursday and got some "ok" fotoge.
them practicing, them discussing the songs, them discussing themselves over ciggs,
the whole bit, it was a good first day.
unfortunately esteban wasn't even there,
so its half useless,
but only half.
tomorrow will be the first recorded show.
what fun!
i went to a practice on thursday and got some "ok" fotoge.
them practicing, them discussing the songs, them discussing themselves over ciggs,
the whole bit, it was a good first day.
unfortunately esteban wasn't even there,
so its half useless,
but only half.
tomorrow will be the first recorded show.
what fun!
16.9.08
yesterday we were listening to the new Mars Volta cd at work right.
so i work with this rather annoying character named Gilbert.
he says my name all the time,
"heeeeeeeyyyyy Bill"
for no reason.
just to get on my nerves i guess.
but i mean like every 2mins.
"heeeeeyyyyy Bill"
"you dont listen to music much do you?", i told him,
"no i do why? why Bill? hu bill? hu?"...
..i swear..
"because you dont stop talking while it's playing"
so he asked me who it was and i told him i wasn't going to tell him,
everyone should like Volta, but this guy could give them a bad rep, know what i mean?
so you know what he guessed?
flyleaf!
lol
and then he guessed marilyn manson!
lol
and then demon hunter!
lol
oh i had quite a laugh
so i work with this rather annoying character named Gilbert.
he says my name all the time,
"heeeeeeeyyyyy Bill"
for no reason.
just to get on my nerves i guess.
but i mean like every 2mins.
"heeeeeyyyyy Bill"
"you dont listen to music much do you?", i told him,
"no i do why? why Bill? hu bill? hu?"...
..i swear..
"because you dont stop talking while it's playing"
so he asked me who it was and i told him i wasn't going to tell him,
everyone should like Volta, but this guy could give them a bad rep, know what i mean?
so you know what he guessed?
flyleaf!
lol
and then he guessed marilyn manson!
lol
and then demon hunter!
lol
oh i had quite a laugh
14.9.08
little people
i went for a bike ride tonight.
i was just listening to "23" and staring at the sky.
i watched the heavy, grey columbus clouds saunter their way across the dark blue sky and thought to myself,
"we are really small."
we think we are so in control of everything, and have compartmentalized the universe according to our perspective,
but we are so small.
our tall building and our street lights, really seem pitiful.
i think about a guy in NYC lying on his back on the tallest building in Manhattan and forgetting about the legos below him.
it's really beautiful outside.
i love God.
he has become "dad",
he is such a beautiful person.
people who don't understand him are scared
or mad because they are scared.
or mad because they cant control.
but he wanted to show me his art,
he wanted to show me that i matter to him.
a lot.
yup.
i was just listening to "23" and staring at the sky.
i watched the heavy, grey columbus clouds saunter their way across the dark blue sky and thought to myself,
"we are really small."
we think we are so in control of everything, and have compartmentalized the universe according to our perspective,
but we are so small.
our tall building and our street lights, really seem pitiful.
i think about a guy in NYC lying on his back on the tallest building in Manhattan and forgetting about the legos below him.
it's really beautiful outside.
i love God.
he has become "dad",
he is such a beautiful person.
people who don't understand him are scared
or mad because they are scared.
or mad because they cant control.
but he wanted to show me his art,
he wanted to show me that i matter to him.
a lot.
yup.
13.9.08
old friends that never get old
i was with carrie at ihop talking about our friends and how amazing they are.
people we never want to grow apart from-
carlos
esteban
andrea
adrian
(herself)
(myself)
javi
even though we dont see each other as often, the dynamic we make with each other is amazing
carlos is such an amazing person.
we decided that the reason he is so awkward is because he is always himself with every group of people.
he always has been, as long as i remember at least.
he doesnt know how to play the part, which is amazing!
i admire that about him.
anyway, i hope we never grow 'too' far apart.
love
people we never want to grow apart from-
carlos
esteban
andrea
adrian
(herself)
(myself)
javi
even though we dont see each other as often, the dynamic we make with each other is amazing
carlos is such an amazing person.
we decided that the reason he is so awkward is because he is always himself with every group of people.
he always has been, as long as i remember at least.
he doesnt know how to play the part, which is amazing!
i admire that about him.
anyway, i hope we never grow 'too' far apart.
love
maybe a little let down
so i got my camera yesterday,
took it mcd's, cinemark, josh's house
and its cool..
.....
but......the audio is a little choppy.
static, voices sound fuzzy,
and i'm a little discouraged
maybe a little let down
if i recorded a white zebra show, it would sound really bad.
sooo
i'm going to use another camera to help me do the WZ video,
maybe we could use both, morris with one me with the other,
we could then have 2 options of video and use the audio from the better quality camera.
hmmm..
even so, it'll be fun.
my parents and i talked about changing my major,
apparently English majors dont have many job opportunities after their diploma.
what most of them end up doing is editing.
which probably isnt fun.
i only chose english because i like to read and write.
hmm.
some of them write instruction manual's and advertisements and such, which would be better i suppose.
what if i became a screenwriter?
anyway, instead of changing my major, i think i'm gonna take on a double major.
maybe
communication - blah
journalism - not one for conflict
teaching - maybe
graphic design - a field that sounds interesting
that's all i've come up with
took it mcd's, cinemark, josh's house
and its cool..
.....
but......the audio is a little choppy.
static, voices sound fuzzy,
and i'm a little discouraged
maybe a little let down
if i recorded a white zebra show, it would sound really bad.
sooo
i'm going to use another camera to help me do the WZ video,
maybe we could use both, morris with one me with the other,
we could then have 2 options of video and use the audio from the better quality camera.
hmmm..
even so, it'll be fun.
my parents and i talked about changing my major,
apparently English majors dont have many job opportunities after their diploma.
what most of them end up doing is editing.
which probably isnt fun.
i only chose english because i like to read and write.
hmm.
some of them write instruction manual's and advertisements and such, which would be better i suppose.
what if i became a screenwriter?
anyway, instead of changing my major, i think i'm gonna take on a double major.
maybe
communication - blah
journalism - not one for conflict
teaching - maybe
graphic design - a field that sounds interesting
that's all i've come up with
11.9.08
WZ in HD!!
i had a cool idea today,
so tomorrow i'm supposed to be getting my HD video-camera in the mail,
so i was thinking to meself,
"what will i do with it?"
then it came to me,
make a video about White Zebra!
but then i thought it sounded to cliche, like would they even want to have a video about them.
so i called esteban and he was like,
"naw dude, its a cool idea, i would do it"
not real enthusiastic about it but enough to keep the idea around,
i thought it and then he said it,
"call adrian and see what he thinks"
so i did, and he thought it was a great idea, he had talked about doing something like that before.
sweet!
so morris should be getting my message today because i will mos def need his help and ideas.
its like an art project! with music!
our first film!
so tomorrow i'm supposed to be getting my HD video-camera in the mail,
so i was thinking to meself,
"what will i do with it?"
then it came to me,
make a video about White Zebra!
but then i thought it sounded to cliche, like would they even want to have a video about them.
so i called esteban and he was like,
"naw dude, its a cool idea, i would do it"
not real enthusiastic about it but enough to keep the idea around,
i thought it and then he said it,
"call adrian and see what he thinks"
so i did, and he thought it was a great idea, he had talked about doing something like that before.
sweet!
so morris should be getting my message today because i will mos def need his help and ideas.
its like an art project! with music!
our first film!
10.9.08
sunglasses
he always get here late and we dont do anything the first 10 min.
like it's 7:20 and he's just glued to his computer.
good mornin.
computer Lit.
i miss Kansas City.
i wish i could spend the afternoon with all my FMA friends,
i wish i could go to a EGS service tonight.
but
i'm not going to .
-------------------------------------------------------------
i dont really talk in the morning, (i type lol!!)
you would have figured my parents would just not ask me things,
"what's goin on today, son?"
"........."
"what's on the agenda? =0!"
".....uh....."
"ready for school??"
"mm...uh...sss....hummm....."
as hard as i try to project, everything i say is mumble,
like looking at someone through a glass vase,
just blury
i guess i dont answer most of em.
like it's 7:20 and he's just glued to his computer.
good mornin.
computer Lit.
i miss Kansas City.
i wish i could spend the afternoon with all my FMA friends,
i wish i could go to a EGS service tonight.
but
i'm not going to .
-------------------------------------------------------------
i dont really talk in the morning, (i type lol!!)
you would have figured my parents would just not ask me things,
"what's goin on today, son?"
"........."
"what's on the agenda? =0!"
".....uh....."
"ready for school??"
"mm...uh...sss....hummm....."
as hard as i try to project, everything i say is mumble,
like looking at someone through a glass vase,
just blury
i guess i dont answer most of em.
9.9.08
another hurricane?
today i left my ipod at the house this morning so i was at school the whole morning without music.
at first im like
"damn!"
but secretly i was like,
"im going to enjoy this"
and im pretty happy i left it.
mind you, i am listening to it right now
but
driving to school in silence felt really good.
my ears were able to "breath" while i walked to class if you know what i mean.
it turned out to be ok.
whadyaknow
i leave my phone at home a couple times a month (on purpose), but never my ipod.
i just forgot the treasure of silence. if i had more instrumental music to listen to as i sleep, i might never have silence.
when my ipod is with me i just have to play it,
what am i? wasteful?
never!
***just forgetful i suppose
at first im like
"damn!"
but secretly i was like,
"im going to enjoy this"
and im pretty happy i left it.
mind you, i am listening to it right now
but
driving to school in silence felt really good.
my ears were able to "breath" while i walked to class if you know what i mean.
it turned out to be ok.
whadyaknow
i leave my phone at home a couple times a month (on purpose), but never my ipod.
i just forgot the treasure of silence. if i had more instrumental music to listen to as i sleep, i might never have silence.
when my ipod is with me i just have to play it,
what am i? wasteful?
never!
***just forgetful i suppose
8.9.08
intelligence
last night was a good show.
because Rush is such a big place we were able to dance without stepping on each other.
although i hit morris
lol.
oops.
during the intro to "yellow flies" they broke into "My Sharona!" for like ten seconds, that was fun.
carlos and i looked at each other like
"WTF??"
in the parking lot there were a line of cars coming in for like two hours.
like just pulling in, with tejano or rap really loud.
it was like the dollar theater.
they would drive near the door and just look at us, like
"what up"
i'm sorry we werent invited to your tailgate party, i wish i could drive in circles for 2 hours and call it socializing.
mind you we were at Rush.
there was already a good number of cars in the lot before the got there.
it was like when kids walk in a straight line to lunch holding hands.
only with p-diddy
only in cars.
i'm just not getting it yet.
by the time white zebra was done, there were only like 15-20 of us.
i liked that.
it's weird but at least once a day i see someone at school who looks just like someone i knew at ihop.
actually it just happened right now.
listening to Sean Lennon right now.
he's got a nice voice.
a japanese- english singer.
because Rush is such a big place we were able to dance without stepping on each other.
although i hit morris
lol.
oops.
during the intro to "yellow flies" they broke into "My Sharona!" for like ten seconds, that was fun.
carlos and i looked at each other like
"WTF??"
in the parking lot there were a line of cars coming in for like two hours.
like just pulling in, with tejano or rap really loud.
it was like the dollar theater.
they would drive near the door and just look at us, like
"what up"
i'm sorry we werent invited to your tailgate party, i wish i could drive in circles for 2 hours and call it socializing.
mind you we were at Rush.
there was already a good number of cars in the lot before the got there.
it was like when kids walk in a straight line to lunch holding hands.
only with p-diddy
only in cars.
i'm just not getting it yet.
by the time white zebra was done, there were only like 15-20 of us.
i liked that.
it's weird but at least once a day i see someone at school who looks just like someone i knew at ihop.
actually it just happened right now.
listening to Sean Lennon right now.
he's got a nice voice.
a japanese- english singer.
5.9.08
when i am at the pearly gates, this will be on my videotape
i need more patience,
i'm seriously getting pretty frustrated with people down here.
not like "persons"
like people.
when i encounter someone who really annoys me two images come up in my mind.
1. -=-=-my tallest finger flying solo right in their face
2.=-=-=jesus smiling.
this might amuse you, but im really serious.
God remind me to take my jesus pill.
i'm trying to enjoy my brownsville life, really i am.
i was telling somebody the other day how like, to find long lasting friends in browntown you have to really look (its small enough for clicks to exist, ya know?)
but once you find those people, you dont wanna leave 'cause they're amazing.
i want to go to that orphanage in san benito sometime.
i went to target yesterday and saw this camcorder there for 129$ and i had 140$ in pocket, when asked to buy it they didnt have any.
isnt that just karmatic?
(karma + matic = karmatic)
i didnt even want one before i walked in the store.
and now i need one.
so my new music -
a Jimi Hendrix Album (very happy with it)
a Deep Purple Album (havent spent enough time with it)
i joined this film club at school.
we'll see how that goes
i'm seriously getting pretty frustrated with people down here.
not like "persons"
like people.
when i encounter someone who really annoys me two images come up in my mind.
1. -=-=-my tallest finger flying solo right in their face
2.=-=-=jesus smiling.
this might amuse you, but im really serious.
God remind me to take my jesus pill.
i'm trying to enjoy my brownsville life, really i am.
i was telling somebody the other day how like, to find long lasting friends in browntown you have to really look (its small enough for clicks to exist, ya know?)
but once you find those people, you dont wanna leave 'cause they're amazing.
i want to go to that orphanage in san benito sometime.
i went to target yesterday and saw this camcorder there for 129$ and i had 140$ in pocket, when asked to buy it they didnt have any.
isnt that just karmatic?
(karma + matic = karmatic)
i didnt even want one before i walked in the store.
and now i need one.
so my new music -
a Jimi Hendrix Album (very happy with it)
a Deep Purple Album (havent spent enough time with it)
i joined this film club at school.
we'll see how that goes
3.9.08
weird tension
im feelin this weird tension growing.
it's like bottled sprite that's been shoke too much.
like how the earth rumbles before a volcano.
the feeling a kid gets when he's about to be yelled at.
i feel like it's coming from the people or culture around me,
and all that anger is against God.
not everywhere, not everybody, not even the majority of the time,
but i feel more and more often this raising up of fist at our invisible Lover.
in Politics
at School
in some of my favorite music.
it's kinda scaring me.
i've never been a prophet, or a fortune teller,
i'm just saying i gotta feeling.
i dunno.
i REALLY REALLY REALLY hate confrontation.
maybe thats why im so sensitive to the tension.
do you feel it though?
it's like bottled sprite that's been shoke too much.
like how the earth rumbles before a volcano.
the feeling a kid gets when he's about to be yelled at.
i feel like it's coming from the people or culture around me,
and all that anger is against God.
not everywhere, not everybody, not even the majority of the time,
but i feel more and more often this raising up of fist at our invisible Lover.
in Politics
at School
in some of my favorite music.
it's kinda scaring me.
i've never been a prophet, or a fortune teller,
i'm just saying i gotta feeling.
i dunno.
i REALLY REALLY REALLY hate confrontation.
maybe thats why im so sensitive to the tension.
do you feel it though?
computer lit. for the blind
i am seriously being taught how to minimize a window.
seriously?
serious.
and its 8 in the mornin.
today i wore this cool green headband,
and before i got out of my car i looked in the mirror and muttered something like,
"i look like a kid"
i guess what shocked me was the fact that i wanted to dress my age, like dress more like a grown up.
dear god,
am i growing up?
whatever ,
i wore it anyway
seriously?
serious.
and its 8 in the mornin.
today i wore this cool green headband,
and before i got out of my car i looked in the mirror and muttered something like,
"i look like a kid"
i guess what shocked me was the fact that i wanted to dress my age, like dress more like a grown up.
dear god,
am i growing up?
whatever ,
i wore it anyway
31.8.08
as a clam
well, everything has been sent to UT.
just waiting for a reply.
i was mostly worried about my essay's, but im pretty sure it's just me.
good news is, BookBee decided to keep me even after rush,
i think im the only temp who became more than a temp.........
............
coming soon to theatures,
a temp who became more than just a temp,
he became........
STAFF
(rated R)
so that should be cool.
o yea so my new laptop.
this is how it went down.
one day i get home from school and say, "mom, having a laptop would be a big help for school."
"well, we were going to get you one for christmas" she says, " but if you needed it this semester we could get it now."
that was easy.
mom i need a new car....for school.......
they were going to buy it this weekend anyway because of labor day sales what not.
next thing i know we are at circuit city looking at this fine piece of work now subject to my phalanges.
but first, i go for the gold. that untainted, pure as honey, silver as silver notebook called
MacBook
"see dad, i have 700 dollars right now, if i saved 400 for school next semester then i could contribute 300 to a MacBook and finance 200 then we could split the cost!"
i pitched every fastball that came to mind.
but in the end it was,
"son, that money is to be saved for school, if you spend some of it on a laptop, we will end up giving you the money you should have saved on your own. besides you dont need to be in debt right now. just wait till you graduate and then buy it."
well,
here i am.
and i really like this notebook, although Vista is the devil
its a colorful devil.
its so cartoony i like it.
so who knows, maybe i'll switch to Linex in the future,
but for now,
im as happy as a clam.
=)
just waiting for a reply.
i was mostly worried about my essay's, but im pretty sure it's just me.
good news is, BookBee decided to keep me even after rush,
i think im the only temp who became more than a temp.........
............
coming soon to theatures,
a temp who became more than just a temp,
he became........
STAFF
(rated R)
so that should be cool.
o yea so my new laptop.
this is how it went down.
one day i get home from school and say, "mom, having a laptop would be a big help for school."
"well, we were going to get you one for christmas" she says, " but if you needed it this semester we could get it now."
that was easy.
mom i need a new car....for school.......
they were going to buy it this weekend anyway because of labor day sales what not.
next thing i know we are at circuit city looking at this fine piece of work now subject to my phalanges.
but first, i go for the gold. that untainted, pure as honey, silver as silver notebook called
MacBook
"see dad, i have 700 dollars right now, if i saved 400 for school next semester then i could contribute 300 to a MacBook and finance 200 then we could split the cost!"
i pitched every fastball that came to mind.
but in the end it was,
"son, that money is to be saved for school, if you spend some of it on a laptop, we will end up giving you the money you should have saved on your own. besides you dont need to be in debt right now. just wait till you graduate and then buy it."
well,
here i am.
and i really like this notebook, although Vista is the devil
its a colorful devil.
its so cartoony i like it.
so who knows, maybe i'll switch to Linex in the future,
but for now,
im as happy as a clam.
=)
25.8.08
raining
i'm so soaked.
the university is near flooding and Your Precious Narrator had to walk across campus to get to his lame math class.
but actually i'm really enjoying it.
it didnt even run, i took my time.
i recieved every drop.
why?
for one, i was listening to Kid A (Radiohead)
which is the perfect music for a schizo without his umbrella
secound, the lovelist rain, is the when the storm cloud encompass the whole sky, without one ray of sun.
so i guess im gratefull.
thank you Abba
the university is near flooding and Your Precious Narrator had to walk across campus to get to his lame math class.
but actually i'm really enjoying it.
it didnt even run, i took my time.
i recieved every drop.
why?
for one, i was listening to Kid A (Radiohead)
which is the perfect music for a schizo without his umbrella
secound, the lovelist rain, is the when the storm cloud encompass the whole sky, without one ray of sun.
so i guess im gratefull.
thank you Abba
24.8.08
000000000000000010101
i'm sick of browsville.
ugh
i feel trapped
open up!
maybe i'm just not taking life seriously and karma is just taking its role.
like im waiting till im outa here to start my life,
but time keeps ddddrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnn' on.
why am i so uncomfortable here?
i dont know.
but im ready to start my next venture.
whatever that means.
brownsville just knows me to well for me to enjoy it i guess...
ugh
i feel trapped
open up!
maybe i'm just not taking life seriously and karma is just taking its role.
like im waiting till im outa here to start my life,
but time keeps ddddrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnn' on.
why am i so uncomfortable here?
i dont know.
but im ready to start my next venture.
whatever that means.
brownsville just knows me to well for me to enjoy it i guess...
23.8.08
it seems that most arguments athiest have for their doubt in God's existance is the reputation the church and religion has had in history.
"the people who call themselves 'christians' are hypocritical"
"liberals and athiest have more compassion for people the christian people do"
but i say,
how can we say God is a tyrant because people who take his name act hypocritically?
if any thing God is the most missrepresented person alive.
God's judgement is not understood nor defined correctly i think. perhaps we write too many books about things we dont even understand.
seriously athiest seem more closeminded sometimes than a republican.
He is good!
"the people who call themselves 'christians' are hypocritical"
"liberals and athiest have more compassion for people the christian people do"
but i say,
how can we say God is a tyrant because people who take his name act hypocritically?
if any thing God is the most missrepresented person alive.
God's judgement is not understood nor defined correctly i think. perhaps we write too many books about things we dont even understand.
seriously athiest seem more closeminded sometimes than a republican.
He is good!
18.8.08
the trap
last night i re-met this guy i had not seen in ages.
eddie is his name.
he is sarah's older brother.
apparently he knew kelli and andrea and carrie,
last time i saw him i was like 15 or so,
he looks kinda the same.
a dark wash of levi's, a white and black sailor stripped shirt,
his arm decored with ink,
i see the little mermaid, =W= (weezer), a checkerboard.
sqaure black framed glasses, the kind he has always had i think,
and maybe to much gel in his short black hair.
"don't i know you?" he says to me,
"i don't think so" i say.
"do you know my sister Sarah?"
"oh yeah i guess i do" i havent talked to sarah since high school.
later marcus opens my box of memories,
he says
"didn't you go out with Wickie?"
wickie was winnie's sister.
wow.
my mind took me back to winnie's house in 8th grade, im walking to the kitchen and i see wickie with eddie in the foyer, i felt intimidated.
"yeah, thats me"
now i remember where i had seen him, and now he remembers me.
so he tells me he has been in Denton.
a city of musicians.
he tells me last week he was at a party and saw Norah Jones jumping on a trampeline in the back yard,
thats what Denton is like.
he doesnt try to compete with other musicians, he says the best thing to do is try and be original (abstractly).
so he has a band that records on a tape and then he plays guitar over the tape, he writes "joke songs" he called them.
thats how he is accepted, thats how he is heard.
so i thought to myself,
i would hate to live there.
i dont want to be a 'musician' or even an 'artist'
i want to be me.
i felt bad for the guy, not that joke songs are cheesy, but that he feels like thats the only way to have a voice.
when your identity is in music, your set up to be butchered.
it's just depressing when you see other musicians or artist better than you and you promise yourself to be the best and then you arent.
ouch.
he's a cool guy though,
i like him
eddie is his name.
he is sarah's older brother.
apparently he knew kelli and andrea and carrie,
last time i saw him i was like 15 or so,
he looks kinda the same.
a dark wash of levi's, a white and black sailor stripped shirt,
his arm decored with ink,
i see the little mermaid, =W= (weezer), a checkerboard.
sqaure black framed glasses, the kind he has always had i think,
and maybe to much gel in his short black hair.
"don't i know you?" he says to me,
"i don't think so" i say.
"do you know my sister Sarah?"
"oh yeah i guess i do" i havent talked to sarah since high school.
later marcus opens my box of memories,
he says
"didn't you go out with Wickie?"
wickie was winnie's sister.
wow.
my mind took me back to winnie's house in 8th grade, im walking to the kitchen and i see wickie with eddie in the foyer, i felt intimidated.
"yeah, thats me"
now i remember where i had seen him, and now he remembers me.
so he tells me he has been in Denton.
a city of musicians.
he tells me last week he was at a party and saw Norah Jones jumping on a trampeline in the back yard,
thats what Denton is like.
he doesnt try to compete with other musicians, he says the best thing to do is try and be original (abstractly).
so he has a band that records on a tape and then he plays guitar over the tape, he writes "joke songs" he called them.
thats how he is accepted, thats how he is heard.
so i thought to myself,
i would hate to live there.
i dont want to be a 'musician' or even an 'artist'
i want to be me.
i felt bad for the guy, not that joke songs are cheesy, but that he feels like thats the only way to have a voice.
when your identity is in music, your set up to be butchered.
it's just depressing when you see other musicians or artist better than you and you promise yourself to be the best and then you arent.
ouch.
he's a cool guy though,
i like him
10.8.08
thanks jason , thanks martin
im listening to the "beautiful people" - jason upton cd again,
it's kinda my favorite.
it's like it brings out my heart every time.
like -_-never alone martin-_-
its good.
today javi (ex-co-worker) tells me
"hey dude, do have chopsticks?"
hmmm.
"chopsticks?"
"it's cause my lips are chopped dude"
lol, oh my gosh this is awesome.
"you mean your lips are chapped?"
"yeah"
i love javi.
"do you know what chopsticks are?"
he doesnt.
"they are the chinese utensils. "
i do some scissor action with my pointer and index.
"oh!"
we both laugh.
here's another good one.
a lady askes me,
"do you have the broccoli and cheese?"
"yes. soup. soupa."
check this...
"does it already have the cheese in it?"
i take a minuete to picture a pan of hot water and broccoli, and slices of cheese being added.
"mmmmmmmmm.............yeah."
"do you have another broccoli without cheese?"
i tried to think of random ingrediants to create a cheeseless broccoli soup,
i wanted to tell her we had another option but we just ran out.
i could have chosen
-----------broccoli egg drop
-----------broccoli noodle soup
-----------new england broccoli chowder
-----------maybe even - marine broccoli gumbo
i couldnt think of anything.
"no, just broccoli and cheese."
"its ok, just like that's fine"
imagine making it slur,
"itsok justlikethatsfine"
well.
today was my last day at the sub-way
looks like the book-bee is my money-tree.
yes.
so if you go to the mall's subway and a guy is working there, his name is javier, and ask him for chopsticks.
it's kinda my favorite.
it's like it brings out my heart every time.
like -_-never alone martin-_-
its good.
today javi (ex-co-worker) tells me
"hey dude, do have chopsticks?"
hmmm.
"chopsticks?"
"it's cause my lips are chopped dude"
lol, oh my gosh this is awesome.
"you mean your lips are chapped?"
"yeah"
i love javi.
"do you know what chopsticks are?"
he doesnt.
"they are the chinese utensils. "
i do some scissor action with my pointer and index.
"oh!"
we both laugh.
here's another good one.
a lady askes me,
"do you have the broccoli and cheese?"
"yes. soup. soupa."
check this...
"does it already have the cheese in it?"
i take a minuete to picture a pan of hot water and broccoli, and slices of cheese being added.
"mmmmmmmmm.............yeah."
"do you have another broccoli without cheese?"
i tried to think of random ingrediants to create a cheeseless broccoli soup,
i wanted to tell her we had another option but we just ran out.
i could have chosen
-----------broccoli egg drop
-----------broccoli noodle soup
-----------new england broccoli chowder
-----------maybe even - marine broccoli gumbo
i couldnt think of anything.
"no, just broccoli and cheese."
"its ok, just like that's fine"
imagine making it slur,
"itsok justlikethatsfine"
well.
today was my last day at the sub-way
looks like the book-bee is my money-tree.
yes.
so if you go to the mall's subway and a guy is working there, his name is javier, and ask him for chopsticks.
9.8.08
every weekday the Machine closes at 8:30
we cannot clock out until nine even if we are done closing up.
on the weekend it is an hour later.
so yesterday, it is 952 and we are finished and ready to go home.
its me and Raquel,
she doesnt speak english,
i hardly speak spanish.
she's a gem, but obviously we have quite a hindered relationship.
so im sitting on the counter and she is staring into the sink and we are waiting.
i look over,
9:54
i shut my eyes and think about something important.
.............
well i thought it was important.
i remember what my body did more than what my mind said.
i scratch my head, smile at Raquel, tap my feet.
what time is it?
9:56
this is stupid.
i close my eyes again.
i open the register and vomit on the greens.
i walk to the fridge and wrap my phalanges around a fireman's axe,
carry it to the computer and swing my redemption right down the center.
---
i open my eyes
9:59
amazing
i look at Raquel again, and all there is to do is laugh,
so we do.
we cannot clock out until nine even if we are done closing up.
on the weekend it is an hour later.
so yesterday, it is 952 and we are finished and ready to go home.
its me and Raquel,
she doesnt speak english,
i hardly speak spanish.
she's a gem, but obviously we have quite a hindered relationship.
so im sitting on the counter and she is staring into the sink and we are waiting.
i look over,
9:54
i shut my eyes and think about something important.
.............
well i thought it was important.
i remember what my body did more than what my mind said.
i scratch my head, smile at Raquel, tap my feet.
what time is it?
9:56
this is stupid.
i close my eyes again.
i open the register and vomit on the greens.
i walk to the fridge and wrap my phalanges around a fireman's axe,
carry it to the computer and swing my redemption right down the center.
---
i open my eyes
9:59
amazing
i look at Raquel again, and all there is to do is laugh,
so we do.
7.8.08
laugh
driving home from work,
i'm hoping the entire mall blows up behind me,
i'm hoping they find a virus in our food,
i dont wanna drive back here tomorrow.
but i will .
and the next day too,
and the following day.
this guy at the bookstore asks me-
"Your Willy right?"
"No 'Y'"
"what?"
"without the 'y'"
his face contorts, and i wanna punch him in the nose,
"what is without a 'why'?"
if i keep my eyes fixed on a object behind him, i won't roll my eyes,
"my name is Will, there's no Y"
"oh sorry"
of coarse he is,
since when did i become an ass anyway?
i guess i've always been one,
everybody is with the right amount of pressure,
thats in the Bible.
"hey Will, you live in your house or what?"
what the hell kinda question is that?
"i'm homeless"
he doesnt get it.
"what do you mean , do i live in my house?"
"you know like do you live with your parents or an apartment or what?"
he just chose an odd way to ask is all.
its rather humorous i suppose.
i presume it is best for me to release some sort of laughter over the matter,
in order to re-define awkward conversation with light-hearted tounge-in-cheek.
ha..ha..
yes with my parents.
"oh cause we (points to his dufus buddy) are looking for an appartment, first paycheck dude!"
well i'm the guy to ask, after all i'm white with dots!
"oh"
while we are on the topic, what is with the Brownsville lingo?
people make up long weird phrases to explain things,
"where do i put this?"
"she said for you to put it there, for you to could find it easier"
-=-==--for you to could?=====--=-=-
i swear i've heard that before.
and when they speak its like a freekin roller coaster,
___________----------------______________-----------_________-------------
"i like this song"
"oh yeah? who's it by?"
"i dont know dude, i'm barley hearing it right now"
lol.
its just easy to laugh.
so lets laugh.
its not like im trying NOT to be like Jesus,
its just easier to be like him when your life is as sweet as a twinky.
i'm hoping the entire mall blows up behind me,
i'm hoping they find a virus in our food,
i dont wanna drive back here tomorrow.
but i will .
and the next day too,
and the following day.
this guy at the bookstore asks me-
"Your Willy right?"
"No 'Y'"
"what?"
"without the 'y'"
his face contorts, and i wanna punch him in the nose,
"what is without a 'why'?"
if i keep my eyes fixed on a object behind him, i won't roll my eyes,
"my name is Will, there's no Y"
"oh sorry"
of coarse he is,
since when did i become an ass anyway?
i guess i've always been one,
everybody is with the right amount of pressure,
thats in the Bible.
"hey Will, you live in your house or what?"
what the hell kinda question is that?
"i'm homeless"
he doesnt get it.
"what do you mean , do i live in my house?"
"you know like do you live with your parents or an apartment or what?"
he just chose an odd way to ask is all.
its rather humorous i suppose.
i presume it is best for me to release some sort of laughter over the matter,
in order to re-define awkward conversation with light-hearted tounge-in-cheek.
ha..ha..
yes with my parents.
"oh cause we (points to his dufus buddy) are looking for an appartment, first paycheck dude!"
well i'm the guy to ask, after all i'm white with dots!
"oh"
while we are on the topic, what is with the Brownsville lingo?
people make up long weird phrases to explain things,
"where do i put this?"
"she said for you to put it there, for you to could find it easier"
-=-==--for you to could?=====--=-=-
i swear i've heard that before.
and when they speak its like a freekin roller coaster,
___________----------------______________-----------_________-------------
"i like this song"
"oh yeah? who's it by?"
"i dont know dude, i'm barley hearing it right now"
lol.
its just easy to laugh.
so lets laugh.
its not like im trying NOT to be like Jesus,
its just easier to be like him when your life is as sweet as a twinky.
2.8.08
29.7.08
bust
well i'm not going back to Kansas. the desicion has been made.
what were the factors?
money was a substantial one.
but i also thought about what i wanted to do and what needed to happen to do that, so it looks like i'll be staying here.
the plan is to stay at UTB another semester and in the spring transfer to UT, haven't been accepted yet, but i also havent asked.
emotions?
yeah, lot of em.
i thought about the day i left KC and telling Chad and Amanda i would come back, and them threatening me in case i didnt.
i thought about a night at Colins house, that night when Colin and Caleb and David and I shared our prayer-closet songs with one another.
and the night of the Tornado!
i though about the prayer room, and playing with Ruth and the team.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
i'm planning to visit this semester, i really got to
i just dont know when.
i'm going to china again with mum and dad in november, pretty stoked about it.
maybe i can go after fall semester.
well gang, there it is .
keep in touch.
:)
what were the factors?
money was a substantial one.
but i also thought about what i wanted to do and what needed to happen to do that, so it looks like i'll be staying here.
the plan is to stay at UTB another semester and in the spring transfer to UT, haven't been accepted yet, but i also havent asked.
emotions?
yeah, lot of em.
i thought about the day i left KC and telling Chad and Amanda i would come back, and them threatening me in case i didnt.
i thought about a night at Colins house, that night when Colin and Caleb and David and I shared our prayer-closet songs with one another.
and the night of the Tornado!
i though about the prayer room, and playing with Ruth and the team.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
i'm planning to visit this semester, i really got to
i just dont know when.
i'm going to china again with mum and dad in november, pretty stoked about it.
maybe i can go after fall semester.
well gang, there it is .
keep in touch.
:)
9.7.08
outer space
fantasy is an escape.
it is an ocean voyage leading to an island with as many or little people you want.
it's a coloring book, a coloring book with people who don't know you, waiting to be colored.
it's an untitled thick red book, wishing someone will name him.
it's an empty composition book lying under your bed.
it's the dusty violin in your basement.
it is completely cerebral.
and i hate it.
it's my little black book,
it comes with my name tag but i hate it.
i try to escape myself,
i try to escape my dirty bleeding heart.
= i'm at an internship convention with tables and ties everywhere. i cannot remember where my table is. i'm not tall, my hair isn't red, and no one makes eye contact. my name tag reads,
it is an ocean voyage leading to an island with as many or little people you want.
it's a coloring book, a coloring book with people who don't know you, waiting to be colored.
it's an untitled thick red book, wishing someone will name him.
it's an empty composition book lying under your bed.
it's the dusty violin in your basement.
it is completely cerebral.
and i hate it.
it's my little black book,
it comes with my name tag but i hate it.
i try to escape myself,
i try to escape my dirty bleeding heart.
= i'm at an internship convention with tables and ties everywhere. i cannot remember where my table is. i'm not tall, my hair isn't red, and no one makes eye contact. my name tag reads,
HELLO
MY NAME IS
can i leave? do i have to be hear?
MY NAME IS
can i leave? do i have to be hear?
some elderly secretary walks up to me, staring at the bottom of my chin in a daze.
"YOU HAVE PASSED YOUR TABLE SIR, PLEASE RETURN TO YOUR TABLE"
as i turn i begin to read the display boards behind each table.
" Work for the company who sells insomniac pills!"
"Steal nights from the crack addicts for 5 months! - start your career today!"
"The Sleep Age has passed, be an intern for the modern world!"
where am i ?
i rub my eyes, and drive my fingers through my unnaturally tame hair.
everyone's mouth is moving, no noise in the entire room. (to which the end cannot be seen)
there is someone facing me. far away. and least it seems so. no one else faces me. i walk towards him.
he is staring at me.
he is not wearing a tie, he has no name tag.
his hair isn't combed. he looks tired.
his hands tumble within each other.
he throws me a paper airplane.
"walk with me," he says, "lets wake up!"
"YOU HAVE PASSED YOUR TABLE SIR, PLEASE RETURN TO YOUR TABLE"
as i turn i begin to read the display boards behind each table.
" Work for the company who sells insomniac pills!"
"Steal nights from the crack addicts for 5 months! - start your career today!"
"The Sleep Age has passed, be an intern for the modern world!"
where am i ?
i rub my eyes, and drive my fingers through my unnaturally tame hair.
everyone's mouth is moving, no noise in the entire room. (to which the end cannot be seen)
there is someone facing me. far away. and least it seems so. no one else faces me. i walk towards him.
he is staring at me.
he is not wearing a tie, he has no name tag.
his hair isn't combed. he looks tired.
his hands tumble within each other.
he throws me a paper airplane.
"walk with me," he says, "lets wake up!"
6.7.08
koi-eek
writing music with esteban and adrian has been pretty amazing.
our show is on the 25th, im excited!
its at galleria 409
thats what has been on my hands lately.
for whatever reason i'm getting wet feet about
IHOP
again.
but what else am i gonna do?
i just am afraid to go back.
i dont know why,
im pretty sure once i get there, i'll want to stay, but maybe thats why i dont wanna go.
when i latch i wanna latch in the right spot.
a good spot.\
our show is on the 25th, im excited!
its at galleria 409
thats what has been on my hands lately.
for whatever reason i'm getting wet feet about
IHOP
again.
but what else am i gonna do?
i just am afraid to go back.
i dont know why,
im pretty sure once i get there, i'll want to stay, but maybe thats why i dont wanna go.
when i latch i wanna latch in the right spot.
a good spot.\
30.6.08
26.6.08
a whipser in the wind
reality is hard to live in,
i guess thats what i'm feelin',
/
what reality then?
its a state of mind.
i have surrended my mind to be subject therefore to reality.
to transend reality would be re-defining it. which is what i need to do.
but we dont always use words in there correct definition. simply because we are used to using them incorrectly.
i guess thats why i struggle to re-define my identity, beacuse it takes studying a dictionary and changing language.
i've tried to mesh both of my worlds into one, hoping one would eat the other.
but i think one is just a shadowy figure of what goes on in my "real world".
so on which world do i reside?
seems that when i am alone i am on the true one, and when in company i get in my little rocket ship i cruise to my little "false, shadowy, unreal world" and allow people to see the shadows. i fear others opinion to much.
i fear everything to much.
i guess thats what i'm feelin',
/
what reality then?
its a state of mind.
i have surrended my mind to be subject therefore to reality.
to transend reality would be re-defining it. which is what i need to do.
but we dont always use words in there correct definition. simply because we are used to using them incorrectly.
i guess thats why i struggle to re-define my identity, beacuse it takes studying a dictionary and changing language.
i've tried to mesh both of my worlds into one, hoping one would eat the other.
but i think one is just a shadowy figure of what goes on in my "real world".
so on which world do i reside?
seems that when i am alone i am on the true one, and when in company i get in my little rocket ship i cruise to my little "false, shadowy, unreal world" and allow people to see the shadows. i fear others opinion to much.
i fear everything to much.
15.6.08
being home
well im here.
2 weeks of school is done.
2 weeks to go.
working at a lame job, trying to be like Him.
2 weeks of school is done.
2 weeks to go.
working at a lame job, trying to be like Him.
23.5.08
"more than a man"
who do people say the son of man is?
some say a teacher, some say a prophet.
who do people say the son of man is?
some say a healer, son of Joseph, son of God.
more than a man to me-
more than a man to me-
more than a man to me-
more than a man to me-
who do we say the son of man is?
is he alive? is he a lovesick man?
who do we say the son of man is?
is he really here? is he in my heart?
more than a man to me-
(jesus you are)
more than a man to me-
(jesus you are)
more than a man to me-
(jesus you are)
more than a man to me-
what can i say about my Love?
he captured my heart, when he chose me again
what can i say about the Lamb?
right from the start, he's been holdin' my hand
(he's) more than a man to me-
(jesus you are)
more than a man to me-
(jesus you are)
more than a man to me-
(jesus you are)
more than a man to me-
(jesus you are)
how low you went, just to catch my eye, when you called me again.
and again...
chorus again.
some say a teacher, some say a prophet.
who do people say the son of man is?
some say a healer, son of Joseph, son of God.
more than a man to me-
more than a man to me-
more than a man to me-
more than a man to me-
who do we say the son of man is?
is he alive? is he a lovesick man?
who do we say the son of man is?
is he really here? is he in my heart?
more than a man to me-
(jesus you are)
more than a man to me-
(jesus you are)
more than a man to me-
(jesus you are)
more than a man to me-
what can i say about my Love?
he captured my heart, when he chose me again
what can i say about the Lamb?
right from the start, he's been holdin' my hand
(he's) more than a man to me-
(jesus you are)
more than a man to me-
(jesus you are)
more than a man to me-
(jesus you are)
more than a man to me-
(jesus you are)
how low you went, just to catch my eye, when you called me again.
and again...
chorus again.
19.5.08
orlando
there have been several things i like about this trip.
the conference was great.
some of those worship services were so moving,
and each message was like Chopin to our ears.
terri terry did her life's message again, the one about eros love and agape love and the trees in the garden, and even though i had heard it like 3 times, i was so touched by it still.
derek shared his usual message on "true discipleship". i had heard that 3 times too, i knew where the jokes went, i knew the content, but i still cried when i heard it. it was the best i've ever heard him preach it. plus the message itself is so like beautiful. its lovely because Jesus is lovely!
i bought the cd. lol. y'all back home will hear it.
then yesterday, sunday, derek shared on fatherless-ness and adoption, and talked about his story of adopting the girls 5 years ago and the boys this summer, and i was stirred from it, like loving these kids. i'm pretty excited for the ukraine boys to come.
at least 20 couples went up afterwards for prayer about adopting. 20 couples!
the Lord is really doing something here.
also our host family is awesome! last night Climento (host) wanted us to share our story with him, so we all did and he shared his and he spoke into our lives reminding us the importance of loving people. the couple is from colombia, and he says 'beautiful' a lot. describing things.
we went to the hospital yesterday to pray for his mother and sister, and his mother started getting better, it was pretty cool. we are cooking them lunch today. they are awesome.
they cook us every meal, not like "the fridge" like eggs for breakfast, lasagna for dinner, its really special.
so today mark is picking me up, pretty excited, we're going to eat somewhere and then who knows. tonight we are going to Lakeland revival, see whats happening there.
tomorrow we go to the beach.
anyways, its going good.
the conference was great.
some of those worship services were so moving,
and each message was like Chopin to our ears.
terri terry did her life's message again, the one about eros love and agape love and the trees in the garden, and even though i had heard it like 3 times, i was so touched by it still.
derek shared his usual message on "true discipleship". i had heard that 3 times too, i knew where the jokes went, i knew the content, but i still cried when i heard it. it was the best i've ever heard him preach it. plus the message itself is so like beautiful. its lovely because Jesus is lovely!
i bought the cd. lol. y'all back home will hear it.
then yesterday, sunday, derek shared on fatherless-ness and adoption, and talked about his story of adopting the girls 5 years ago and the boys this summer, and i was stirred from it, like loving these kids. i'm pretty excited for the ukraine boys to come.
at least 20 couples went up afterwards for prayer about adopting. 20 couples!
the Lord is really doing something here.
also our host family is awesome! last night Climento (host) wanted us to share our story with him, so we all did and he shared his and he spoke into our lives reminding us the importance of loving people. the couple is from colombia, and he says 'beautiful' a lot. describing things.
we went to the hospital yesterday to pray for his mother and sister, and his mother started getting better, it was pretty cool. we are cooking them lunch today. they are awesome.
they cook us every meal, not like "the fridge" like eggs for breakfast, lasagna for dinner, its really special.
so today mark is picking me up, pretty excited, we're going to eat somewhere and then who knows. tonight we are going to Lakeland revival, see whats happening there.
tomorrow we go to the beach.
anyways, its going good.
7.5.08
what God wants
i was thinking about the revival in Lakeland and the revival coming here, and what God was doing in the States.
i cant wait to see healings and manifestations of the Spirit, its going to be really exciting and people's faith will increase and its an exciting time.
but i keep reminding myself and keeping myself in check with this, "even if all these creative miracles take place and i am used as an instrument, if i dont have love inside me i have NOTHING"
kurt weaver's (a student) wife had a dream
in the dream was a scale (the see-saw kind) and on one side was a jar of blood with babies handprints on it (and it was heavier on that side of the scale) and on the other side were little jars with tears the each bottle had a label on it, the smaller jars of tears were labeled "abortion" and "human trafficking" the larger jars were labeled "physical healing" "financial breakthrough"
its not that those aren't good things to pray for, but in Isaiah 1 and 58 the word says, i will pour out my blessings when you take care of the widows, orphans and aliens.
let us have our hearts in the right place,
Love God first, Love others
i cant wait to see healings and manifestations of the Spirit, its going to be really exciting and people's faith will increase and its an exciting time.
but i keep reminding myself and keeping myself in check with this, "even if all these creative miracles take place and i am used as an instrument, if i dont have love inside me i have NOTHING"
kurt weaver's (a student) wife had a dream
in the dream was a scale (the see-saw kind) and on one side was a jar of blood with babies handprints on it (and it was heavier on that side of the scale) and on the other side were little jars with tears the each bottle had a label on it, the smaller jars of tears were labeled "abortion" and "human trafficking" the larger jars were labeled "physical healing" "financial breakthrough"
its not that those aren't good things to pray for, but in Isaiah 1 and 58 the word says, i will pour out my blessings when you take care of the widows, orphans and aliens.
let us have our hearts in the right place,
Love God first, Love others
29.4.08
Jason upton
i got his new "beautiful people" album and i love it!
my favorite is probably "son's and daughters" or "in your presence"
the verse in "sons and daughters" goes,
-every word sent down from heaven does not go back up until its succeded at what He sent it to do-
i was talking to Ben, my roommate, and he was telling me about this sermon he heard by this new zealand dude. the preacher man was talking about Job when God was asking Job where he was during his creation and what God was saying was "you where here". the guy was saying how he always thought God was mocking Job, but in one scripture Job 38:21 God says, "you were already born, you are really old!"
either God is mocking Job and being literal.
but God knew us before we were knit together in our mothers womb(jeremiah 1) "before you were born i set you apart as a prophet" . what does that mean? what is the possibility that our spirit existed before we got here? were we with God before we were born? i heard T.D Jakes talk about this once. i'm not sure if i believe it, but what if its true?
isaiah 49 - before i was born God called me.- Hu? how?
chorus is
-sons and daughters of the living God-
then he says
-did you know you're a word from heaven?
-did you know you're a child of God?
-all creation is growing
-in the midst of brother against brother, in the midst of the warfare, in the midst of the anger, blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called sons and daughters of the living God
when i first heard this song, i just felt a peace come over me. i'm being quite literal.
when i heard it i felt a confidence that i really am God's son, and i have a lot of authority in the Spirit because of it. not just for signs and wonders (obviously - or not so obvious) but also the proximity to the throneroom i can go, because i am God's son. like the creator of the universe is my Dad and i have a unique relationship with him. like a son, a little boy with his dad just spending time together.
thats me and God!
my favorite is probably "son's and daughters" or "in your presence"
the verse in "sons and daughters" goes,
-every word sent down from heaven does not go back up until its succeded at what He sent it to do-
i was talking to Ben, my roommate, and he was telling me about this sermon he heard by this new zealand dude. the preacher man was talking about Job when God was asking Job where he was during his creation and what God was saying was "you where here". the guy was saying how he always thought God was mocking Job, but in one scripture Job 38:21 God says, "you were already born, you are really old!"
either God is mocking Job and being literal.
but God knew us before we were knit together in our mothers womb(jeremiah 1) "before you were born i set you apart as a prophet" . what does that mean? what is the possibility that our spirit existed before we got here? were we with God before we were born? i heard T.D Jakes talk about this once. i'm not sure if i believe it, but what if its true?
isaiah 49 - before i was born God called me.- Hu? how?
chorus is
-sons and daughters of the living God-
then he says
-did you know you're a word from heaven?
-did you know you're a child of God?
-all creation is growing
-in the midst of brother against brother, in the midst of the warfare, in the midst of the anger, blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called sons and daughters of the living God
when i first heard this song, i just felt a peace come over me. i'm being quite literal.
when i heard it i felt a confidence that i really am God's son, and i have a lot of authority in the Spirit because of it. not just for signs and wonders (obviously - or not so obvious) but also the proximity to the throneroom i can go, because i am God's son. like the creator of the universe is my Dad and i have a unique relationship with him. like a son, a little boy with his dad just spending time together.
thats me and God!
27.4.08
21.4.08
extreme devotion
mike talked about having a fierce devotion to the Lord. the talked about the judgement seat of Christ. only christians will be there. on that day no one will be rebuked, it is only a ceremony for rewards for those who went beyond the marker.
"the only rebuke" mike said, "is a silent rebuke"
he went on to say that some christians will not recieve rewards, and when they stand before Jesus, and nothing is given the will feel the pain of regret. (1 cor. 3:11-15- gold and silver and precious stone endure the fire)
he said true love has regret.
the fact that people will have regret and be sorrowful will be a manifestation of their love to Jesus. mike encouraged us with this, - that we dont have to feel such regret when we arrive at the Judgement Seat of Christ if we dont want to. -
this struck fear in my heart.
my question is, what does "extreme devotion" really look like in God's eyes?
i know there is a difference between man's idea of extreme devotion and God's idea/
i dont think its about how much i fast, or how many books i read, or how long i lock myself in a closet. after all the Pharisees were better at all of those things than us.
and according to matthew 5:20 , our righteousness must exceed that of the scribes and Pharisees. but then Jesus says this, "even the least in the kingdom of God will be greater than John the Baptist." wow! Jesus! (Matt 11:11)
obviously Jesus doesnt evaluate us the way we would evaluate ourselves. "many do say in that day 'Lord we did signs and wonders in your name' and he will say ' i never knew you' "
it really does all come down to love.
matthew 23 (right after giving the two commandments )
Jesus says "the greatest among you shall be your servant. whoever exalts himself will be humbled and whoever humbles himself will be exalted"
and then right after that he attacks the Scribes and Pharisees.
==========----------========--------side note--------
---------i'm convinced that the reason Jesus resisted the Pharisees so harshly was because in their hearts they resisted God, not because the had a religious spirit. thus he wanted to confront that resistance to help them see that they were in need of repentance. someone with a religious spirit can still have a yes in their heart towards God, and just be stuck in a relious mindset. i feel many christian (who have been burned by religious people or leaders) are quick to point fingers and accuse their brothers for being a Pharisee because he is still immature in some area's in his walk with God. i know this because i have done it in my heart. i've accused others of not really following God because they had a religious spirit, while i had a log in my eye. i had my own issues, hidden in the darkness.--------------==================--------------------=============
maybe "attacks" is to strong a word, you catch my wind though.
i believe extreme devotion is,
1. first Loving God with as much love is in your heart
a/ story of the talents. take the hunger he has put in your heart and stir it up, and ask the holy Spirit what that looks like. that song misty sings "no matter how small my all may be, i'm giving you all there is to me"
b/ ask God to give you more love for him, so you will have a hunger to go deep in him.
2. Love others with as much love as God has given you
a/ sermon on the mount. love the poor, love the widow, love the orphan, love the white middle class republican christian who likes being comfortable. the struggling christian. LOVE THEM ALL THE SAME
we have to constanly check our heart to make sure to keep the first commandment first. we can never love (agape) people more than we love God, for God is agape. the secound commandment will come out of the overflow of the first
"Lord teach me to love you the way you love me, take me deep in your love"
-his are the broken the needy ones, and he is Love- david crowder
"the only rebuke" mike said, "is a silent rebuke"
he went on to say that some christians will not recieve rewards, and when they stand before Jesus, and nothing is given the will feel the pain of regret. (1 cor. 3:11-15- gold and silver and precious stone endure the fire)
he said true love has regret.
the fact that people will have regret and be sorrowful will be a manifestation of their love to Jesus. mike encouraged us with this, - that we dont have to feel such regret when we arrive at the Judgement Seat of Christ if we dont want to. -
this struck fear in my heart.
my question is, what does "extreme devotion" really look like in God's eyes?
i know there is a difference between man's idea of extreme devotion and God's idea/
i dont think its about how much i fast, or how many books i read, or how long i lock myself in a closet. after all the Pharisees were better at all of those things than us.
and according to matthew 5:20 , our righteousness must exceed that of the scribes and Pharisees. but then Jesus says this, "even the least in the kingdom of God will be greater than John the Baptist." wow! Jesus! (Matt 11:11)
obviously Jesus doesnt evaluate us the way we would evaluate ourselves. "many do say in that day 'Lord we did signs and wonders in your name' and he will say ' i never knew you' "
it really does all come down to love.
matthew 23 (right after giving the two commandments )
Jesus says "the greatest among you shall be your servant. whoever exalts himself will be humbled and whoever humbles himself will be exalted"
and then right after that he attacks the Scribes and Pharisees.
==========----------========--------side note--------
---------i'm convinced that the reason Jesus resisted the Pharisees so harshly was because in their hearts they resisted God, not because the had a religious spirit. thus he wanted to confront that resistance to help them see that they were in need of repentance. someone with a religious spirit can still have a yes in their heart towards God, and just be stuck in a relious mindset. i feel many christian (who have been burned by religious people or leaders) are quick to point fingers and accuse their brothers for being a Pharisee because he is still immature in some area's in his walk with God. i know this because i have done it in my heart. i've accused others of not really following God because they had a religious spirit, while i had a log in my eye. i had my own issues, hidden in the darkness.--------------==================--------------------=============
maybe "attacks" is to strong a word, you catch my wind though.
i believe extreme devotion is,
1. first Loving God with as much love is in your heart
a/ story of the talents. take the hunger he has put in your heart and stir it up, and ask the holy Spirit what that looks like. that song misty sings "no matter how small my all may be, i'm giving you all there is to me"
b/ ask God to give you more love for him, so you will have a hunger to go deep in him.
2. Love others with as much love as God has given you
a/ sermon on the mount. love the poor, love the widow, love the orphan, love the white middle class republican christian who likes being comfortable. the struggling christian. LOVE THEM ALL THE SAME
we have to constanly check our heart to make sure to keep the first commandment first. we can never love (agape) people more than we love God, for God is agape. the secound commandment will come out of the overflow of the first
"Lord teach me to love you the way you love me, take me deep in your love"
-his are the broken the needy ones, and he is Love- david crowder
17.4.08
a talk with Terri Terry
after my piano class i wanted to ask Terri something (piano teacher/dean of students) so i walked in and took a seat.
the question was basically about 'when will i be less selfish and have a pure heart and act like Jesus.' i was frustrated with my weakness
she said maturity in God will come, but i was being selfish by asking such from God.
like i was loving God to get something from him.
this great quote the other day in the book "Being still" by a french contemplative, he said "the emotion we have with being near someone we love is never as important as the person themself"
the best thing i could do, Terri said, was be grateful that God loves me even though i am self-centered. Gaze on his beauty she said.
the truth is, God loves me without expecting anything in return, even my devotion. "He causes the sun so shine on evil and the good, just and unjust" - Jesus
we think the more we love God and give ourselves to Him, the more He will love us, but that is eros love, it is our mindset we inherited from eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil.
How do i know i love God then? how do i know that i'm not just trying to get something?
thats what i asked myself last night.
i know i love God, because the fact that i want more of Him and desire to know him proves that His seed is in me. the hunger for God cannot be produced without God. (phil 1:6) (also because of 1 John 5:10)
so even though my motives for doing things (righteous things) arent always 100% pure, i know God has placed himself in me because i want Him.
and the more mature i become in God the more fruit of the Spirit i will see.
its a life-long process though.
so i'm not going to be frustrated with myself when i think, walk and act selfishly, instead i must fix my eyes on my Father and meditate on his love.
after all i change my heart, only He and he will.
He is so kind and faithful.
really,
He is faithful to the end
the question was basically about 'when will i be less selfish and have a pure heart and act like Jesus.' i was frustrated with my weakness
she said maturity in God will come, but i was being selfish by asking such from God.
like i was loving God to get something from him.
this great quote the other day in the book "Being still" by a french contemplative, he said "the emotion we have with being near someone we love is never as important as the person themself"
the best thing i could do, Terri said, was be grateful that God loves me even though i am self-centered. Gaze on his beauty she said.
the truth is, God loves me without expecting anything in return, even my devotion. "He causes the sun so shine on evil and the good, just and unjust" - Jesus
we think the more we love God and give ourselves to Him, the more He will love us, but that is eros love, it is our mindset we inherited from eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil.
How do i know i love God then? how do i know that i'm not just trying to get something?
thats what i asked myself last night.
i know i love God, because the fact that i want more of Him and desire to know him proves that His seed is in me. the hunger for God cannot be produced without God. (phil 1:6) (also because of 1 John 5:10)
so even though my motives for doing things (righteous things) arent always 100% pure, i know God has placed himself in me because i want Him.
and the more mature i become in God the more fruit of the Spirit i will see.
its a life-long process though.
so i'm not going to be frustrated with myself when i think, walk and act selfishly, instead i must fix my eyes on my Father and meditate on his love.
after all i change my heart, only He and he will.
He is so kind and faithful.
really,
He is faithful to the end
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