God really hit me with this this morning.
in my "prophetic worship" class Derek was talking about envy and selfish ambition and my heart was just being torn up.
last night i went to the prayer room and Jacob was leading and my heart was just cold, and i said to myself (and God) "why can't i write songs like that? why doesnt God give me songs?" and i was battling this envy in my heart. i went home and just talked with the holy Spirit. "why cant i be a songwriter? why arent songs flowing out of my heart?" it started as a mostly selfish prayer, me wanting to be a hot shot artist and produce my own CD and all,
but it turned into sincere prayer.
"Lord give me patience."
but today's session just nailed it.
this envy that comes up in our heart is so vile! its poison!
i struggle with it so much being a musician.
Derek talked about how many times our motive's for being awesome musicians are fulled by wanting to be better than someone, or have the attention that someone else has.
that is so me,
even like when i was in the practice room yesterday, i was thinking about Jeremy Denk (virtuoso piano player) and mozart believe it or not.
not that we should wait until our motives are perfect to practice, but let us long for the day when our hearts are purely set on pleasing him, and sharing His heart with others as when play.
when that envy rises up in me, i need to battle it. when a peer is elevated and given a position that i may have wanted, i feel that sting of "why should he be there? im more capable! i've been more faithful! i deserve it!" when that temptation comes i pray that i will have the grace to rejoice with that person's promotion and serve them in secret so nobody knows about it! speak well of them call them lovely.
after all who am i to say that God is unjust, that he doesnt promote people rightly.
oh, how insecure im am!
i long for my indentity to be in Christ and not in music!
Jesus, i repent for having an envious heart!
i know that this is a lifelong sanctifying process too.
it wont be over with tomorrow, i will battle this for years.
but one day i will be able to say "whether man notices me or not, i am content with being a lover of God and having his approval on my life"
Lord let us go there, take your church there.
Amen
2 comments:
I agree whole heartedly Bill, and it's deffinately one of those times where we get all hyped up about something. Well not just anything, cz I mean...we're artists and its something were supposed to be passionate about. But to the correct extent. We are Lovers of God first....then Musicians second. The norm for us would be fame and notice, but in tern are almost the opposite now.
Ive thought these exact words so many times and it feels like Im going town a street a mile/sec with my "why's?" then God steps right into the middle of the road and Im forced to slam on the brakes. One good look at His face you know I know what Im doing is wrong :/
I agree.Patience.
In lighter, though its not the ideal muse exactly. Ive learned alot form John Lennon and intern The Beatles. These guys have like so many song that no one can name 'em all. I though to myself, this is crazy. Some of these songs arent even all that good. Some not even appealing to the ear, but them made them cz it was who they were. They could've only released pop songs and then on, but each song is a mood, feeling, day one or more of them went through.
They wrote/sang cz they loved to, for the sake of expression.
I wanna write for God, for the sake of my expression to worship.
...and should it become cooperate one day, it comes second to my connection w/God in that song.
*end rant*
im glad you understand
life is so complicated when our eyes are on us isnt it?
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