envy

God really hit me with this this morning.
in my "prophetic worship" class Derek was talking about envy and selfish ambition and my heart was just being torn up.
last night i went to the prayer room and Jacob was leading and my heart was just cold, and i said to myself (and God) "why can't i write songs like that? why doesnt God give me songs?" and i was battling this envy in my heart. i went home and just talked with the holy Spirit. "why cant i be a songwriter? why arent songs flowing out of my heart?" it started as a mostly selfish prayer, me wanting to be a hot shot artist and produce my own CD and all,
but it turned into sincere prayer.
"Lord give me patience."
but today's session just nailed it.
this envy that comes up in our heart is so vile! its poison!
i struggle with it so much being a musician.
Derek talked about how many times our motive's for being awesome musicians are fulled by wanting to be better than someone, or have the attention that someone else has.
that is so me,
even like when i was in the practice room yesterday, i was thinking about Jeremy Denk (virtuoso piano player) and mozart believe it or not.
not that we should wait until our motives are perfect to practice, but let us long for the day when our hearts are purely set on pleasing him, and sharing His heart with others as when play.

when that envy rises up in me, i need to battle it. when a peer is elevated and given a position that i may have wanted, i feel that sting of "why should he be there? im more capable! i've been more faithful! i deserve it!" when that temptation comes i pray that i will have the grace to rejoice with that person's promotion and serve them in secret so nobody knows about it! speak well of them call them lovely.
after all who am i to say that God is unjust, that he doesnt promote people rightly.
oh, how insecure im am!
i long for my indentity to be in Christ and not in music!
Jesus, i repent for having an envious heart!

i know that this is a lifelong sanctifying process too.
it wont be over with tomorrow, i will battle this for years.
but one day i will be able to say "whether man notices me or not, i am content with being a lover of God and having his approval on my life"
Lord let us go there, take your church there.
Amen

a thursday night at colins

once

the weekend was pretty awesome.
saturday we went to this big methodist church called "crossroads"

we had a morning session and i got to sing with heathers team, it was my first time singing harp and bowl. so we sang the songs the prayed for the church in Evensville out of eph 3:16 and taught the room how the do harp and bowl.
i was pretty nervous but it went ok.
derek told us not to pray in tounges yet,
several times we caught ourselves. we are just do used to it.
we titled our prophesy rooms "personal prayer ministry" so people wouldnt be scared to come, but we definatly straight up prophesied, it was pretty neat,
for the first hour i played the piano as background. i'm learning to prophesy on my instrument, its pretty cool.
i asked the Lord to touch one persons heart and then i would play God's heart over them, pretty fun and i saw Him move.
later that night we went to check out "YHOP" evensville's house of prayer
sunday we went to this tiny little church, maybe 30 -35 people in the congregation and Derek shared a little of his testimony with his son and he talked about the Rabbiticle system is Jesus' day and how no other rabbi would ever go out to find disciples and how Jesus chose the lowest losers to be his dearest friends.
a good trip over all. not much else to say.

yesterday i saw "once" and really liked it.
gil harbard and that other girl are going to be in Kansas City May 5th, day before my birthday and i am going to see them for sure,
;)

first night in evensville, indiana

tomorrow i'm going to sing for the morning worship session,
first time i ever sing harp and bowl on a ministry trip, pretty excited!
it was a 6 hour car trip, but it went by pretty fast, we talked literally the whole time,
i read like 3 pages and never touched my ipod,
we just talked it was pretty fun.
we went from, the garden of eden to whether time exist to what if earth is the center of the universe

in eschatology class

we broke up into groups of four and prophesied over each other, it was really awesome. everyone received like three words and everyone gave three words from God, it was really edifying.
Derek shared this word to us before we started,
he took us to Ps. 139 which is david saying how God's thought toward us are as numerous as the sand, and in 1 John, John says God is love, and according to 1 Cor 13 love thinks no evil.
so that means, God has thoughts about us as numerous as the sand and not one of those thoughts are evil or negative!
this revelation is still striking my heart. i really am on God's mind all the time, and He only thinks the best for me, his plans for me are perfect.
even when i am being corrected, he is not angry nor frustrated with me because there is a yes in my heart.
=-=Lord i thank you for being like this, give me a deeper revelation of your love for me=-=

new song

i put a new song on my music myspace.
its alright

myspace.com/oneredband

Saturday

so i've reading this book "being still" for my contemplative class, and its really good,
talks about walking with the Spirit, walking in prayer, principles of the kingdom.
but today,
it starting talking about becoming God,
i think it must have been the translator, (its book by a french monk)
sometimes he says like one with the Spirit but then he talks taking it maybe too far.
even though we have the Spirit we are still human and are still prone to sinfulness.
and then he said the following, and im making it the quote of the day
"the Christian is not better than anyone else, neither more intelligent, nor more loving. The difference is that he walks with Someone and stays in His Presence. It is this Presence, more than any personal effort that transforms."

Mom had surgery last night for foot. she shattered it,
6 weeks in a cast....
that sucks.

i got a nick--name from anna,
"The Groove"
i like it, she says it fits because i play "fat beats" in on our sets.

so i read the book of Colossians today, and i scratched out the headings that the publishers made. paul didnt write it.
it helps the letter sound like a real letter, to real people who were confused about doctrine.
i'm trying to read the epistles and not label everything as doctrine, but instead trying to discover what God was really saying to each church.
eah

what can i say,
i love music,
i love playing drums,
i love playing piano,
i love guitar.

= - = - i saw You walking out as i was walkin' in,
i felt embarrassed to look at you, but you gave me a big grin,
serves me right
= - = -

i really need poetic language, i used to write really good stuff
seriously!~!

....09.....
when i feel the sun shine on my face somehow my soul just knows You love me and are pleased with me.
(its been grey lately, but not in a depressed way, more like a whisper)

last night i went to a prayer meeting with some students, and the Spirit came in a supernatural peace. we were liking soaking the Spirit.
i heard the Lord exhort us to persevere and ask for grace to do so. to not loose heart.
heather had a vision, it was a black dog chasing a cat. the black dog was discouragement and we were the cat, but there Jesus stood with a smile on his face and had his arms open to us, he wanted us to run into his arms.
=the Holy Spirit was encouraging us to to strive to enter into the rest the Spirit brings (james)
it was pretty cool